Friday, November 14, 2014

Childhood trauma vs now

Repressed childhood traumatic incidents affect us as we grow older and shape our lives.  I am willing to bet half my habits and quirks are a reason of semi traumatic and traumatic events from childhood.

Like the one time.. when I was 3 year old and had fractured my hand.. and went to school with a plaster in my right hand.. and the teacher called me up in front of the class.. and told everyone in the class to be "brave like her".  No, just don't. Don't put me in a spot like that.  Ever since that day I was terrified of teacher calling out my name.  So much that when I was in senior kg, I would hide behind toys during attendance times because I could not understand why does the teacher have to call out my name every single day!

Of course, the fear of having to stand up in a class and speak remained till I graduated from college.  Even now spotlight on me makes me most nervous.

Then there was the dog incident.  The one time my cousin put a ferocious barking doberman, named Blondie because Hitler's dog was Blondie, yes, we Mehtas are eccentric - said cousin now has a great dane and is named Babulal, in my lap.  The dog barked so close to the face of a two year old me, I am still traumatised.  Dogs petrify me.  Of course, one of my many talents are imitating a dog's bark.  And sometimes they bark back at me. I am sure I mean something in their language.  I speak the #Woofletongue  But I am improving.  Last year I let a 2 month old lab pup lick my toes.  So all cool there.

Or that one time when I almost drowned.  Standard 6 class picnic to waterpark.  The slide ride kind of dropped me in water heads down and since I didn't know swimming, I struggled to put my feet on the floor (not too deep, must be barely 2-3 feet deep, the water) and I could not get up.  In those moments I knew I was dying.  Till a classmate of mine pulled me out of water.  God bless her soul.  Some day, when I see her again, I will thank her.  I'm sure she has no recollection of saving my life, but I am eternally grateful to her.  However, I am still terrified of water.  Water level below ankle deep scares me.  Oceans are terrifying, also because oceans are so mysterious and we have no clue what all exists under and they are so huge and so scary.  I would like to get over the fear someday, though.

So socially awkward - the misfit.  Spent entire school life trying to fit in.  I could not relate to most of my classmates because all they wanted to do was talk about boys and all I wanted to do was talk about internet and the world of mysteries.  They would fight and get into arguments over who said what and I had terrible memory to have any recollection on who said what.  I then became a recluse and spend most of my school and college life and even after that being a loner.  Till I accepted that I am different from them, I am a fashion disaster, wear my adidas with salwar kameez because I know I have to walk when I've to go to Gandhinagar, I do not know how to apply make up and look pretty, I do not know how to dress up.  But it is fine.  I am okay at being the awkward one.  I have embraced my weirdness.

Okay, now I am getting hungry.  Just woke up and because today is Children's Day I thought why not blog.

Also today is Friday.  Must bring out my new video. EXCAAAAITE.

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