Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Welcome to Ahmedabad, Xi!

Dear President,

Welcome to Ahmedabad.  I am glad you chose to visit the lovely city of Ahmedabad.  It looks lovely today, especially the routes you will be taking.  Actually, just the routes you will be taking.

The hotel you are staying at, right next to it, is a very narrow lane. (fun fact: the lane was once home to a giant goat who loved to chew tobacco.) The lane is usually so congested, today it will be shut down completely.  Even though you will not take the narrow lane (because we have six lane flyovers in the city, why would you take a single lane narrow gully).

The lake right across your hotel - it is usually full of people and activity - the food stalls around the lane serve some of the best food.  Too bad you won't be able to either see how we Amdavadis find joy in simple pani puri and or even taste it for that matter.  You see, you will be fed traditional Gujarati food (and you must hope that it is not altered to suit to your Chinese taste buds as Chinese food is altered to suit our taste buds).

The Riverfront where you and your delegation will meet the who's who of Indian corporates is next to the Sabarmati river.  The river, on an average day, stinks.  It also has floating garbage which is at various stages of decay.  Today, it is clean.  Maybe next time, you could visit the holy city of Varanasi.

Also, talking of the Riverfront, please notice those statues of flamingos, asiatic lions and one mystery animal which I think looks like a donkey, but could be a nilgai.  It is the proof how we Gujaratis live in harmony with nature. (also, as I write this I realise I live like some 300 kms from the lions and omg, that is so awesome. )

We Amdavadis, however, are very glad you have come down.  The roads are re-carpeted. Some of them, at least.  It has made us believe that the roads which are ruined overnight in a few hours of rain (or sometimes mysteriously even though there are no rains, like really, how does it work - the roads getting damaged - who steals away the excavated part in the pot hole? how can it magically disappear?) can also be repaired overnight.

That Gujarat has the magical ability of developing nice roads overnight.  I always knew we were awesome like that.  Wish we knew how to get things done, though.

Oh, and while you are at it, do understand that your country has kind of - sort of ruined some of our local businesses, like ceramic industry, because the CNG prices in the state are so high, and the fuel cost increases the cost of production, forcing a lot of small units to shut down.  Gujarat manufactures about 70 percent of India's ceramic.  Of course, thanks to anti-dumping duty, they are surviving, for now.  But there are other things too.  I am not sure they are too happy with the grand welcome you are getting.

Oh, and while we are at it, we are welcoming just you and your delegation that is officially coming over.  Not the intrusion at the border.  Please keep that in check.  That is not welcomed.

Hope you enjoy your stay here.

Love,

Amdavad

(PS: Views entirely personal)

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Denial: Best Medicine

They say laughter is the best medicine.

In my case, laughter stems from denial.  I am in a perpetual state of denial, not accepting realities like I am truly lonely.

Because if I accept it, I will break. And how will I keep up this cheery look.  

Don't get me wrong.  I am usually a happy person.  I am easily amused, and a friend once told me "you are an addiction, your presence brightens up the room" and I don't know how to laugh like a lady.  I laugh madly.  And it is genuine laughter.

But that doesn't mean I cannot be truly lonely within.  It kind of sucks.

Especially because for someone like me who easily falls in love (and I call it love because of all the chemicals it releases in my brain - it's science), usually with people I barely know and I will never have the courage to walk up and say how I feel, the feelings not being reciprocated leaves a very deep empty space.

And then I wake up feeling sad and deciding I will never let myself fall in love.  Because if I do not fall in love, I will not have to go through the heartbreak of not having someone fall back in love with me.

Denial.  That love is not for me. That I will never come across someone who loves me back.  And it is good that way.

If I go about without any expectations, lesser disappointments in life.

Now that I have it out of my system, let me write a funny tweet because I am such a fun person.

Edit: Log on to reddit, and here's a thread I see. And totally shattering the bubble. It's a thread asking what are obvious signs that someone's into you.  Apparently, today I learnt no one has ever been into me. OMG. THIS IS LIKE THE SADDEST DAY EVER OR WHAT

http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/2ggrky/whats_an_obvious_yet_often_overlooked_sign_that/?limit=500 Here's the link for your kind perusal and get the fuck off.

Friday, September 12, 2014

Friday night musings

So it is that time of the week I wish that never ends.  Friday evenings are the best. It means there are two days of no office, and there is no need for you to actually get out of your bed and do any sort of work.  But the anticipation of weekend gives so much adrenaline rush to me that I am like the energizer bunny on steroids on Friday evenings and I feel the most drained out on Sunday evenings because I suddenly feel that the two days are over and next day is Monday.

Normally I would start talking how Monday is two days away because I tend to be pessimistic like that.  Some times I start talking how next Monday is 7 days away on Monday mornings because I like to live in the future like that because living in the moment is too mainstream.

No, I have not smoked up anything (some people who had witnessed the recent bout of laughter, where I gave my own rendition of Asha Bhonsle (or is it Bhosle, pls to Google and tell me) and Lata Mangeshkar and S P Balasubramaniam hits at midnight in middle of the road. I am also kind of sad no one thought it would be a nice idea to give me 2 rupees to shut my mouth.  Not even a phooti kaudi. Anyway, I digress and when this happened I thought of other funnies and then I could not stop laughing and omg, my head started hurting because of too much blood and even my cheeks got tender because they were aching for being in constant position of stupid laughter and I swear I might have actually died for a few seconds there by just laughing. Some day, if we ever meet, dear reader, I shall sing for you because I am generous like that) (heh, did you realise the bracket was still open? heh. My genius knows no boundaries. omg.) and I am generally in a great mood mostly because I have sort of perfected the art of putting kohl in my eyes.

You may want to check out my instagram on instagram.com/nirwamehta and the latest picture which I put up of my eyes only because Navratri is coming up and I am totally going to pose like Maa Durga.  There are also lot of selfies in my album because no one else takes my pictures. Like, really. TOTALLY MARRYING A GUY WHO TAKES NICE PICTURES OF SELF.

Anyway, there is so much I want to do over the weekend. First of all, instagram for Android is getting updated. Not that it's important. But whatsapp is also getting updated. Like really, aren't any of you readers a secret admirer of mine? (cute, single, age appropriate, non-creepy guys only pls) Anyway, I get distracted.

So coming back, while those things are getting updated, I thought I will write this blog because I just had a cup of coffee and as you all know, caffeine is my drug, and omg, HI.

So, I am wondering what should I do all night. Should I watch back to back Castle episodes? Or Criminal Minds episodes? Or read Game of Thrones? Or read 1984 (OMG BIG BROTHER IS WATCHING. HI MODI OR OBAMA OR CIA OR CBI (LOL) OR WHOEVER IS READING THIS! the passenger side door of my car is not working, pls to send someone to fix it, also, half a dozen cupcakes to go with it won't be bad. And maybe transfer a zillion dollars to my bank account so I can travel the world and give it all back to you by spending on exorbitant stuffs - but anyway, just get the car door fixed - and also this disgusting smell of damp carpet doesn't go away - smells like burnt rubber and/or dead animal - pls to do the needful - I AM CUTE)

So coming back, what should I do.

Sometimes I wish I had multiple eyes and multiple compartments of brains so I can see/read multiple things at same time and each compartment of my brain can process individual information (of course, high speed censorship-free internet to do all these multiple tasks is a given) at one go and I can like do all I want to in this one lifetime. Because so much to do, so much to read and so much to watch and so little time.

OMG. 10 minutes to midnight. Let me go check if apps on my phone are updated.

Okay, updated. Even phone charged by 43 percent. This shall last me through the weekend. NO ONE CALLS ME!

I have still not decided what shall I do now. I want to actually lie down, but then WHO LIES DOWN ON FRIDAY NIGHTS?

Okay, I will go.

I will watch Castle. Season 3 last 2-3 episodes left.

Sunday, August 31, 2014

Things that keep me awake

I have issues.

While a lot of what I say or do does not make sense, and I am perfectly fine with rest of the world not making sense because I like chaos over order, but then when I realise there is something that just does not make sense and I want to make sense and I cannot make sense I spend sleepless nights.

I have many such things that keep me awake all night.

No, it is not something as lame as what is the purpose of life. Dude, the purpose of your fucking life is to make sure you do not die.

But have you ever noticed how the oxygen, which is the single most important thing to keep you alive, is slowly killing you by the process of oxidation? Maybe we should all practice slow breathing techniques and hold our breath or something and fool oxygen or something.

Anyway. So today morning I woke up and decided I wanted to watch TV.  Parents returning today so I am going to soak in all the television I can before I leave for airport to pick them up.  And while I was watching TV, this wild song appeared out of nowhere.



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There are few things about this song that don't make sense.  Why is Hema and Shatrughan Sinha selling Chanachor garam in a jail when Manoj Kumar is about to be hanged? And why are they so excited about selling chanachor garam when Kumar may be killed as soon as the frolicking is over?

Also, Dilip Kumar. Means why.

Why spike chanachor garam? If I were an Angrezo ke zamane ki jailor, they'd need paani puri to lure me or something. Chanachor garam is just not as exciting.

Also, why are they so excited at the prospect of the chanachor garams having a mind of their own? mera chana hai apni marzi ka. Dude, what is it? An unruly teenager?

Why is chane ki aankh sharabi? why does it have haal (or is it gaal?) gulaabi? And why is then like a kudi punjabi? WHY DOES IT NAACHO CHHANAN CHHANAN?

Is this chanachor garam some sort of creative euphemism for something I've not figured out now?

Like I realised how the zubaan pe laaga namak isaaq ka from Omkara has such an indecent interpretation is this song also something else? IS CHANA SOMETHING ELSE?

ARE THEY REFERRING TO THEMSELVES AS CHANA? If I were to refer to myself as a food item, I'd probably call myself cookie or something. I AM A TOUGH COOKIE TO BREAK.

It is because of songs like these that I have issues.  Anxiety issues among other issues.