Saturday, November 27, 2010


I am a total sucker for romantic comedies. I have grown up on a staple diet of yash chopra/karan johar/Suraj Barjatiya kind of movies and though I make fun of them, I still enjoy watching them for their grandness. The only actor who can still make me go weak in my knees is Salman Khan.

I have always wanted my life to have a hindi movie like feel to it. Rather, not just hindi movie, any romantic/romantic comedy movie. They are just so awesome. Of course, my all time crush on William Darcy (like every other girl who has read/seen Pride and Prejudice) makes me want to come across someone like Darcy. (unfortunately, no Darcy yet)

Talking about romantic movies, I saw Serendipity today again. The exasperation John feels when he is -><- this close to find Sara, and yet he can't find her makes me want to break into the screen and bring them together from the corner of the street and yell at them.

So, do we really come across people through chance encounters and can we really end up falling madly in love with them? I would want to believe it, but at the same time, the cynic in me tells me what a fool I am to begin with to expect fiction become reality for me. How I have hoped to meet the guy I had strong crush on, one time, just one time, and that has never happened.

There have been times when I have been in the same city (esp when I am in different city and the guy I have a crush on lives in another) as the guy, and hoped to just bump into him.. maybe at the airport, or at the movie theatre, or just randomly on the street. But that just does not happen. Of course, I could have called him then and we could have met up at a predecided time and a pre-decided place, but that isn't usually how things happen, because you see, when we are in the same city, at that precise time, we have had some sort of gross misunderstanding, and we haven't talked in weeks. So, all my hopes were entirely on chance.

So, what goes wrong? Don't they say that fiction needs inspiration from reality? Don't any of these things happen in real life to real people? Yes, so films are all larger than life and all that shit, but c'mon, in real life, don't we meet complete strangers who end up becoming a beautiful part of your life?

Has it ever happened to you?

Monday, November 22, 2010

Politics Vs. Media

It was in 2001 January when an earthquake of magnitute 7.6 to 8.1 on richter scale hit Gujarat. It was on the Republic Day, and my first thoughts were Pakistan fired some underground missile. What followed was a frenzy of sorts. I've never seen people around so frightened about their lives. People spent their nights on the roads, literally. Everyone was afraid of getting inside a multi-storied building. And why not? We Gujaratis were used to facing other calamities like riots and floods. But the feeling of land shaking beneath your feet was very scary. I was 15, then. I cried for 2 hours to get out of the shock.

Keshubhai Patel was the chief minister of Gujarat at that time. Now, I dont know much, but I once heard someone say that keshubhai is the most corrupt CM to ever come to power in Gujarat. He soon lost power and came Narendra Modi.

So with this Barkha Dutt/Niira Radia scandal that has recently errupted, I am now wondering the real motives behind media and their strong views against Modi.

Modi was in the first few months as a Chief Minister when the Godhra carnage took place. A train coming from Ayodhya was set to fire in Godhra, and people were burnt alive inside two compartments. By the time the train reached ahmedabad, the news of the incident spread very quickly. People were enraged. What followed was perhaps one of the worst riots in the history of Gujarat.

Also, at that time, Aaj Tak was recently launched. It was in its initial years and NDTV was its main competitior. If I remember correctly, NDTV had some agreement with Star news and they had just parted ways. So, NDTV, Star News and Aaj Tak were the all vying for attention.

They all got their main breakthrough with Godhra Riots. You see, it was much easier to get eyeballs when you show a burning bus, or a live coverage of mobs. The fearless reporters jump right in the middle of a crazy group of violent people and report live on how some men just gangraped a woman or set fire to a bakery. I wont be too surprised if they would have asked some of the mobsters their views, and 'aap kaisa mehsus kar rahe hain?'

So, who is responsible for this? The chief minister. Of course, even if the dog dies of rabies, the CM is personally liable for his death. So when hundreds of people (please understand, I am not saying Hindus or Muslims, loss of life is loss of life. period.) died, it is the chief minister who should be held responsible. For someone who lived in the city during its worst riots, I knew and felt that the riots were about 80 percent under control. The remaining 20 percent felt in the communially sensitive zone, where riots break out even on trivial issues like kite flying in Uttarayan.

Most non gujaratis I know hate Narendra Modi and call him modern day Hitler. Or as a certain Ms Gandhi called him Maut Ka Saudagar. Really?

So, no one had heard much about him before the riots, but suddenly, he was the muslim hater of teh world. Not just him, every other gujarati in the world was a muslim hater. They thought that there are two things us gujaratis can do instantaneously - break into a garba or break into a riot.

Javed Akhtar, I wonder if he knows about the muslim architecture and beautiful mosques in gujarat, at least knows something called Naroda Patia, and he never forgets to mention them in debates involving gujarat/Modi.

All this while, nobody realises that people know about it because the news channel kept showing it repeatedly. Whether the carnage or the aftermath of riots was politically motivated or not, is a different question, but it did get aggravated because of constant reruns on the news channel.

I have always been quite defensive about Modi and Gujarat, not because Modi is my personal hero, but he has been a good administrator, and the state has developed under his leadership. I can see the difference between pre modi gujarat and post modi gujarat. I just wish people would look beyond the riots and look at gujarat objectively.

These Barkha Dutt tapes have kind of shocked me. Not that I held her in high place, especially after the shabby way in which she has handled sensitive issues, but the fact that the sensational news htey show on tv is perhaps not just for the ratings. There is much more to it that what meets the eye.

News are not unbiased anymore. It's a sad state of Indian Politics and Indian media. I hope there is a brighter future to this madness. I hope people in power do not misuse it.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

2G or not 2G

No offence meant, but I have no idea what's the difference between DMK and AIADMK and like all other political parties in India, look as if they're handling shady deals. I always thought (and still think) the only difference is that one is run by Karunanidhi, who's been like a monument, looking the same way ever since my memory can recollect, and other is run by Jayalalitha. For those who don't know, Jaya is one of the two persons who can be spotten from the outer space. First one being the Dolly Bindra. In fact, she's even been mistaken for a Crop Circle, an alleged means by which the aliens communicate with us humans.

Suddenly everyone is talking about corruption. How its evil tentacles have reached everywhere. People say that we should say no to corruption, and how it all begins on a personal level, like giving a 20 rupees note to the traffic police guy just so he wont fine you for 100 rupees. Of course, the thought of not talking on phone or wearing seatbelt/helmet never crosses our minds. How important it was to make that call to your friend that you are reaching in 15 minutes, you see. I digress.

How many of us strongly believe that anything substantial will come out of the investigation in the mismanagement of funds in the 2G spectrum scam or CWG scam or IPL scam or even Satyam scam? CBI and C&AG will keep on giving in reports, but then what? And how do you know the reports are not doctored? If corruption is at all levels, how can we be sure that CBI and C&AG are clean? How can we know that they may come across something which they may not find substantial? I know how subordinates 'overlook' things when the boss asks you to. It may or may not be material, but the reports are subjective.

How does A Raja's resignation bring any change? Where will he bring back all the money?

At this time, I want to ask about the outcome of Bofors scandal and Fodder scam, oh, and the Taj corridor case? Mayawati's outrageous currency notes garland and the money she spends on erecting statues? Like, wtf? Why doesnt anyone ask them also?

I say, A Raja and co. should be sent to Rakhi Ka Insaaf, and let Rakhi do all the talking. Wonder if anyone will care if she drives one of these men to suicide.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

The Big Fight.

So the Big O arrives in India, and the media is going berserk. I am surprised how come no one has roped in Manish Malhotra for his expert comment on Michelle Obama's outfit.

So the Awesome Reporters Inc., got together to have a question-answer-hallucination session with the Obamas. Here is an excerpt of the same.

Oh, and riding on the success wave of CWG goofups, Suresh Kalmadi was roped in to welcome Obama and Awesome Reporters.

Zuresh Kalmadi : Once upon a time, there was a man named Christopher Columbus. He set sail to discover the awesome place called India, but ended up on the other side of teh world, and called it America. After hundreds of years of that eventful day, two people (along with thousands of security guards) have managed to cross the saat samundars and reach the land called India. Finally.

Today, on the pious occasion of Diwali, let me welcome the foreign phataka (smiles suggestively at Michelle) and his husband, Frock Obama. It gives me great pleasure to welcome them to the country which has rich politicians err.. culture.

With the peaceful couple, we also have the reporters from the various news channel who are very keen on asking questions to the couple, but have been slapped with restraining orders because of their awesomeness. We have with us, Rajat Sharma, Barkha Dutt, Rajdeep Sardesai and the one and only Astro Uncle.

(yells)I declare the games open.

Razat Sharma (RS) : Obamaji, aaj aap pehli baar bharatiya shauchalay mein gaye the, aap kaisa mehsus kar rahe hai?

Obama : Meh-who?

Just then, a crazy man looking like a cross between a walrus and a lizard comes running. His hair are all disheveled and one side of his glasses are broken and stuck together with a tape. He snatches the microphone from Obama and runs around the room shouting, "is mic pe sirf mera haqq hai".

Bharka Dutt (BD) : Security, please come and get Arnab, he is having one of his attacks. (to Obama) we've just checked him into the i-can't-stop-speaking rehab and he keeps running away. And you don't need to answer RS's questions - imagine, Rakhi Sawant once asked him to marry her. No one, not even himself takes him seriously. So, here I come to the question I am itching to ask you, how does your visit to India is going to affect the suicidal farmers in Vidarbha? Do you know how mumbai and delhi are cleaned up for your visit? Do you realise how the common man is deprived of his fun and frolic on Diwali because of you - it was because of YOUR visit that the fire crackers are banned - it's Diwali, the festival of light, and Mumbai is in a state of darkness only because YOU are here? Why couldn't you choose the next weekend? Or, was it because you wanted to prove a point on how powerful you are to shut down the celebrations of the most loved festival of the secular nation? Why did you not choose to come down during Christmas or Eid? Oh, adn you know, Suresh Kalmadi anagrams as Sir U Made Lakhs? *smirks*

Raj-dip Sardesai (RS2) : (to himself) sigh, why do you think I left the frigging news channel? She can drive anyone up the walls by questions that make no sense.

Obama : (looks around nervously)

Suresh Kalmadi : That's another Gold for India. I congratulate the organising committee. Next question please.

RS2 : Welcome to India, Mr. President.

Obama : (looking relieved that he finally got a chance to speak to a non-crazy person) Thank you. And Err.. Happy Diwali?

RS2 : Happy Diwali to you too. What are your views on news papers printing Mahendra Singh Dhoni and his wife splashing around in a beach? Is that invasion of privacy by media? Please watch out one hour debate on how intrusive media is. But we would like to know your views too.

BD : (to herself) why do you think we kicked him out? heh heh. That is not invasion of privacy. That is journalism. Invasion of privacy is when you ask an ex minister of state whether he has a girlfriend. (ref Shashi Tharoor)

Astro Uncle : jis waqt aapka plane land hua bharat mein, us waqt sitaron ki jo position thi, usse aapko bahaut hi labh hoga. Aapke sitare kehte hai ki aap ko yahan bahaut gyaan milne wala hai, aur yeh aapka nazaria badal dega.

Obama looks around the hall hoping against hopes for some sort of support.

Just then, a voice comes alive.

Bigg boss chahte hai ki Obama aur unki patni, is pagalkhane ka udghatan kare aur apni jaan bacha kar bhaage. Yeh bahaut hi khatarnaak log hai, aur inke saath rehna surakshit nahin.

The bewildered Obama couple run out of the place, and go back home with a different perspective about India. Astro Uncle was right.

Friday, November 5, 2010

The customary Diwali post

Every blog will have a Diwali post up today. Also, every twitter-er, even if he is not a regular on it, adn has to click on forgot password to retrive the password, will somehow manage to remember about it and tweet the Diwali wishes. He will also go about wishing the random celebs for diwali. Of course, everyone on facebook will have happy diwali message, and random diwali greetings where all and sundry on their friends list get tagged. No wonder I have so many people on limited profile.

Of course, Diwali also means arrival of the Lashkar E Foiba (foi is dad's sister in gujarati) so my aunt arrives from Surat. When we were young, she and her annoying two kids, would come with two bags full of fire crackers. Unfortunately, I have always been allergic to smoke, and we would always have exams right after diwali vacation (dammit, if I were to get 10 bucks for every exam paper i wrote, i'd be richer than mukesh ambani and have an anthill err.. antilla of my own.) Anyway, so my annoying cousins would burst those noisy bombs and I hated it. Perhaps I hated it because they didnt burst the pretty crackers which go up in the sky and burst into pretty showers. No, these were plain and simple loud bombs.

The the day after Diwali is the new year. The new Vikram Samvat year sets and and that means, all the gujaratis go to their relatives place, especially elders and pay their respects. When I was younger, we'd leave our house at 10ish, and come back by 4ish, and then, other relatives will come over at my place to pay respect do my grandma and all. So it was a day where we just met people, bowed down to htem adn take blessings and money. There was this old relative of mine, who was so rich, but would give us all only FIVE rupees as Diwali bohni. WTF. Now, of course, things have changed, I go to only three houses, my naani and my aunts. I don't go to my parents' aunts and uncles places because I don't quite like them. :P

But the best part of Diwali, which I really like is awesome food, diyas, and rangoli. I'll be doing the rangoli tomorrow, so that will come up later, but rangoli is one thing I really look forward to.

We also have Puja on Chaudas and Diwali. Chaudas is a family puja which is a private affair, and no one else can participate either in the puja or even have the prasad. It's one of my favourite pujas of all times. :D But then, yesterday was also a cousin's birthday. His crazy wife, who's way too far from reality (in matters which I will elaborate in detail some other day) threw him a surprise party. Well, it did turn up to be a surprise for me. It was at this lounge in the multiplex in the city. When I entered the place, an hour after the appointed time (oh, dude, I had puja to attend to, and I had told the host beforehand of my late entry) the whole multiplex complex was devoid of any human being. Only person you could find was this security guard who asked me if I came for a party. It sounded so shady, i almost wanted to turn around and run away. I asked him if the place is shut down, he said, party is on third floor. I've never seen this place look so creepy before. So as I walked alone till third floor, I went into this dimly lit room, which was once a hookah bar (as informed by my well informed younger cousin, and it serves only mocktails, but cocktails to people who are regular here - TMI, i tell you) and as my eyes tried to adjust to the surroundings, I heard a very loud, "ARE YOU WITH MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE". WTF. So they had a "DJ" who played 'peppy' numbers where my cousins and their friends danced. Now, the last time I felt so uncomfortable with so many people was when an elephant splashed water all over me in a zoo in singapore. So, to save myself from being dragged on to the 'dance floor' I took up the most awesomest job ever - photography. I started clicking random photos, and so, the narcissist janta who loved getting photos clicked, left me alone.

An hour into the party, just when the party was getting all happening, I left. I needed some fresh air. Right. Looking for a fresh air on Diwali is like waiting for Arnab Goswami to shut up. The whole city smelt of gunpowder. I went for a drive towards the greener Gandhingar. Sigh. At times I feel I am so weird that I not only do I not like anyone, but am sure nobody likes me either. Except the crazy surd boy who asked me to be his girlfriend when I was in 11th standard. Sigh.

And then, today morning, I woke up with a slight fever. Its not a good feeling, this fever. Because with exams just 2 days away, I dont want to take chances. I want these to be the last exams I take. :D

On that note, I shall go. Foreign Exchange Management Act is waiting to thrill me.

So on this Diwali, go burst all the crackers you want - global warming can go take a dive in the ice it is melting. We're all going to die anyway. :P

Monday, November 1, 2010

How to know you are on Emotional Atyachaar

If you look around, everyone is suddenly talking about relationship, relationship status (its complicated being a very popular relationship status on facebook - most people thing that its cool to be in a relationship which you are not sure of), loyalty and mother of all - 'loyalty test'.

If you have seen the show on bindaas, you will realise that the only thing worse than this show is perhaps Rakhi Ka Insaaf, where her royal foolishness is screaming and shouting and giving insaaf to raddiwala guy whose wife ran away, and where audience chants "Rakhi, Rakhi" whenever she makes a ridiculous remark and laughs to herself. Please youtube the videos.

Anyway, I digress.

So I am talking about Emotional Atyachaar on Bindaas tv. I don't want to get on all personal and privacy issues - like, your relationship is a private thing and how it is foolish to get it telecast on national tv. But, here are the pointers on how you could be on Emotional Atyachaar, either as a 'lead' or as a 'suspect' or as a 'undercover agent'.

How to know you are a lead?

1. You are a delusional girlfriend/boyfriend. Delusional because you *think* you are in a committed relationship with someone you know for past four months and you are friggin 20 year old *AND* you want to get a loyalty test done.

2. You are highly insecure person. Now, if you closely observe the pattern of the leads in their introductional video, you'll see how they always 'i pray that you come out clean' or 'i know you will come out clean, i am doing it to prove everyone wrong'. R-I-G-H-T.

3. You are way far from reality. You actually believe that the guy who takes kasam about his not-yet-born-and-never-will child. And you get all sad and cry your heart out when he talks about teh same not-yet-born-and-never-will child with some random chick. "woh mera bachcha tha" you cry. WTF. It's hard to believe such people exist, but then, i know quite a few people like that in my real life to accept that such people actually do exist. I have a friend who once famously said, "main usko barbaad kar dungi' after her imaginary boyfriend "dumped" her. Anyway, so you get the gist.

How to know you are a suspect?

1. You have a delusional girlfriend/boyfriend. And you are still with her/him because you suffer from tremendous amount of inferiority complex.

2. You suddenly start getting too much attention from the member of the opposite sex. Apparently, you fall for the trap because you are such a fool not to see that the other person is not interested in you. (please watch an episode of Lie to Me to see subtle signs of body language. on seconds thoughts, no, the show is crap) Anyway, so you are so stupid not to doubt the person showering too much attention on you in two days of knowing you and you feel that he/she is smitten by you. Dude, it seems that not just your girlfriend/boyfriend, but even you are delusional.

3. The person showering you too much attention has a friend whose apartment is empty. Or an uncle who has an awesome farmhouse some two hour away from the city. Oh, and you get picked up (in most cases) in a car, which is not driven by the peron. :P You'd be a fool not to notice things like that. Jeez, are people really so stupid?

How to know you are an undercover agent?

Well, there are no pointers for this, but here's the thing. You are an undercover agent if :

1. You are an aspiring model/actor and you are quite ugly. But you are also delusional about you being the prettiest thing to have walked on the face of earth. Jeez, too many delusional people on the show.

2. You are an out of work model/actor and this 30 minutes are your only claim to fame. Next time, you could try for Rakhi/Rahul Mahajan ka swayamvar part 2.

3. You are a reality show contestant yourself, and think that you should be a model/actor.

Jeez. This is such a crap show and the participants are all so full of crap themselves, just goes out to show the maturity level of the current generation. I feel bad for these losers.

On a totally unrelated note, Diwali is here, and as a Diwali gift for myself, I will buy myself a guitar, (after exams) and learn it myself. So the guys who invented guitar, would've learnt to play it themselves too, right? And if I can teach myself the Income Tax laws, I am sure, guitar would be a piece of an awesome cake. :D