Sunday, January 18, 2015

Two years

It has been two years since I last cried myself to sleep at 5 am feeling absolutely worthless.  The feeling where you do not realise you cross the thin line between feeling extreme irrevocable sadness (which you eventually overcome with time) and clinical depression (which requires therapy and lot of love and patience).

The two years have been good years, though.  I realised I am worth more than I was made to believe I was.  That despite all the quirkiness and the geekiness and my love for Salman Khan, I deserve the best the world has to offer, just like everyone else.

I have learnt that I'd rather live with "oh, wells" than "what ifs" and that life is too short to regret letting anyone know how you feel about them, especially if it is love.  So what I am a prime and shining example of unrequited love. At least I am not giving up the hope! (Yes, Karan Johar and Yash Chopra would be extremely proud of me)

I have learnt that I enjoy being with people as much as I enjoy solitude.  Solitary walks are my "me time" - the time I look around and observe nature.  Some times I wish I carried my phone so I could take pictures.  But then other times I am glad I don't. That is my one hour away from technology.

It has been two years since I realised there is a limit to being a pushover.  And that everyone should fight their own battles, and that I cannot be fighting their battles for them.

From being a timid, under confident girl, I now do not feel awkward talking to people.  I have realised that while I suck at small talk, I still like talking to people.  That 2012 was one of the worst years of my life and at times I am glad it happened because in hindsight I realise that that year shaped my outlook - it made me realise that I need to get rid of toxic people from my life.  I cannot let them thrive over my positivity and energy.  That if you have to try way too hard to make things work, then it is probably not worth the effort.

I can't wait to find out what this year has stored in for me.  I am very, very excited about life, even though it sometimes decides to conspire against me.  After all, it is all supposed to work out in the end, right?