Live Tweeting: Conquering Kaali Naag

So today morning I was just reading up about the Kurukshetra War which is the mythical war in the epic Mahabharat - the original Game of Thrones - on the conflict of succession of dynasty between the Pandavas and the Kaurawas - the cousins. (if such war were to happen between my cousins, pretty sure I'll emerge as the Kalki avatar - maybe this is my true calling.)

Mythical war - interesting. Because these mythical wars and stories have laid foundation of Hinduism - so basically, the entire religion based on myths. OMG.

Not that I was reading it for the first time.. I enjoy reading up on Hindu mythology as and when the whimsical mind of mine demands.  So one thing led to another and I was listening to this bhajan by Narsinh Mehta. (No, I'm not related to him, nor am I related to Harshad Mehta, the bull.)

↵ Use original player

Lord Krishna - Jal Kamal - Narsinh Mehta - Gujarati Bhajan with translation

By dharmaraksha

YouTube

• 360p

← Replay

X

i

And then I ended up reading about the Kaali Naag and it made me wonder what if this event was live-tweeted by the characters involved?

Well, look no further, here's how it may have happened.

(Disclaimer: NO offence meant - please do no burn my effigies. I do not intend to hurt your religious sentiments - don't we all say how religion (based on myths) teaches tolerance?)

(Disclaimer2: If you are not sure how Twitter works, you may not really enjoy reading it. In which case, I suggest you watch above video and song along - I love that song.)

@K4LIY4: Checks into 4sq.com/Yamuna *blocks and reports @Garuda for spam*

@K4LIY4: *spews venom* #literally. Ooo. Look at those poisonous gas bubbles in the Yamuna. #lulz

@LordKrishna: Let's go play ball near the solitary tree near this poisonous river because why not.

@KrishBuddy1: Dude, don't climb the tree, okay? Notice the red flags - the river is poisonous, only one lone tree here. Plus, Kaliya is not really your buddy.

@LordKrishna: *smirks*

@KrishBuddy2: No, really. Stay away. Here, catch. *throws ball*

@LordKrishna: Excaaaaaaite at the prospect of climbing the tree I'm forbidden.
             
                          Heh. Forbidden tree.  We all know the last time someone was forbidden from a tree how that turned out. #AdamFan4Lyf

@KrishBuddy1: Heeeeey, wtf. Don't climb the damned tree.

@LordKrishna: *drops ball in Yamuna*

                           #oops

@KrishBuddy2: Now what? Who's gonna get the ball?

@LordKrishna: Brb, getting ball. *jumps into the river*



@Nagini1: Who in their sane mind would come here, kid?

@Nagini2: If our master wakes up, he'll kill. Pls to go back. #Kthx

@Nagini1: Are you lost? Or have your enemies tricked you coming here? Else you wouldn't be here.

@LordKrishna: Nope. I'm just here for the lulz.

@Nagini1: You're kinda cute, your parents must really hate you to let you come down here. This place is full of poison, you know.

@LordKrishna: Nope. I'm beloved Krishna. Go wake your husband up. Tell him I'm here to say hi. (and also get back my ball)

@Nagini2: Here, take all the monies we got. Go back. Hell hath no fury like the dude we're wives to scorned.

@LordKrishna: Nope. Cannot go back without taking the ball, babbeh.

@Nagini1: *pinches feet* *tucks moustache* wake up, @K4LIY4, look who's here.

@K4LIY4: Wtf. Go away. I'm napping. *spews moaaar venom*

@LordKrishna: Giu back my ball.

@K4LIY4: You asked for it, kid. *wraps self around @LordKrishna*

   
                    #SelfFive *takes a selfie* #WrapAroundKrish #Yamuna #Home #DontComeHomeEver

@LordKrishna: Dude, cannot tolerate so many hashtags.

                         *gets into hulk mode*

@K4LIY4: *lets go* whaaaat are you?

@LordKrishna: *takes weight of the universe and jumps on @K4LIY4's head*

                          *takes a selfie* #jump #IAmViraat(notKohli) #dancing #love4dancing #instadance #danceoftheday #power #IAmGod

@Nagini1: Omg. Pls stop. You'll kill him.

@LordKrishna: Ah, well. Okay, hey, @K4LIY4 leave Yamuna alone. Go away.

@K4LIY4: Totes, kid.

                   *takes a selfie* #ByeByeHome #KrishnaRules #Buddies #Goodbye #SadFace

And that is how the Kaliya Naag left Yamuna.

Except, willing to bet that despite the poison of Kaliya Naag in the river, the water was much much much better than the present day Yamuna water, which also has tears of previous governments working out of the national capital.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy reading Kaun Banega Draupadi Ka Pati, Samudra Manthan, Yaksha Prashna, and Twitter Gita.

Again, do not burn my effigies. Or kill me or something.

I am cute. I have dimples and I come from land of Gandhi and Modi. Thanks.

Kaun Banega Draupadi Ka Pati?

@SrBachchan Chaliye, hum aur aap milke khelte hai, Kaun Banega Draupadi Ka Pati! cc. @DrawPaddy

@Dhrishtadhyumna @SrBachchan, kripya shaant ho jaiye, I'm the host of this show. plz.

@YoYudi checked in to Kampilya on @foursquare with @B4Bheem, @iArjun, @Sahdev and @Lukan (we're disguised as Brahmans, lulz)

@B4Bheem dudes, check out that fish.

@YoYudi @B4Bheem, anuj, I've told you not to swear. also, since when did you start using the F word?

@iArjun @YoYudi bhratashri, he's talking about the statue of that revolving fish (which looks creepy) @B4Bheem

@RajaDrupad Baith Jaiye Please, everyone, a huge shoutout for @DrawPaddy, my daughter, Draupadi and my son @Dhrishtadhyumna

@RajaDrupad Also, @Dhrishtadhyumna will be the host for tonight, and NOT @SrBachchan

@Dhrishtadhyumna Ok, guys, you've got to pierce the eye of the revolving fish by looking at it's reflection in water. Easy peasy. *smirks*

@2ryodhan I call dibs on the fish.

@karna @2ryodhan #lulz

@SrBachchan @2ryodhan @karna, afsos, galat jawab.

@DrawPaddy @SrBachchan, dude, seriously? @2ryodhan b****, pls.  @karna *insert casteist comment about Suta Putra*

@LordKrishan @Balarama, bro, where are the Pandavas?

@Balarama @LordKrishna, no clue, bro, I was hoping for some fireworks.

@LordKrishna @Balarama, don't look now, but look behind Shishupal (he's so annoying), the Pandavas have come disguised. What is this, spy movie?

@iArjun @YoYudi, bhratashri, I have an "I" in my handle, and I can pierce that fish's eye. Let me go, plz.

@YoYudi @iArjun, go get 'em, tiger.

@DrawPaddy, zomg, *MY HERO*.


@RajaDrupad, *damn, where the hell are those Pandavas, I was rooting for that Arjun fellow.* @Dhrishtadhyumna, unka peechha karo. kuchh to gadbad hai.

@YoYudi @MataKunti We've got Bhiksha, Ma.

@MataKunti @YoYudi, Yeah, divide it amongst your brothers and share. Sharing is caring, remember?

*awkward silence*

@YoYudi @MataKunti Err.. I meant @iArjun won @DrawPaddy in her swayamvar.

@MataKunti @YoYudi Abeyaar, couldn't you tell me clearly?

@YoYudi @MataKunti Issok.  Your word is moar sacred than anything else.

*Meanwhile Krishna, Balarama, Dhrishtadhyumna and Drupada reach the place*

@RajaDrupad whateeseet? Is this buy one get 4 free scheme?

@Vyasa @RajaDrupad Shaant, gadadhaari Bheem, shaant. #Lulz (hey, @B4Bheem, no offence, mate).  This is all possible, and not against Dharma at all (1/n)

@Vyasa @RajaDrupad So basically, in her previous birth, @DrawPaddy prayed to @AwesomeShiva and asked for 14 characteristics in her husband. (2/n)

@Vyasa @RajaDrupad But all qualities cannot be found in one dude, @AwesomeShiva told her she'll marry five men in her next birth who will have all (3/n)

@Vyasa @RajaDrupad These qualities.  Basically, she'll become a virgin every morning when she takes a bath.  Not weird at all.  Now, c'mon (4/n)

@Vyasa @RajaDrupad Let the party begin! (5/n)

@RajaDrupad @Vyasa if you say so.

@SrBachchan Ooooh. Hooter baj gaya.

*and rest, as they say, is history*

Samudra Manthan : Live Tweet

Disclaimer: The post below is to be taken in good humour, and no offense meant to your religious beliefs. कृपया हमारा पुतला जलाये नहीं.

Once upon a time, Devas and Asuras, decide to churn the mighty ocean and solve once and for all the matter of supremacy.

Jesus, I see your turning water into wine, and raise churning of ocean with a mountain named Mandar acting as the churning rod and a snake, Vasuki acting as the churning rope.  Of course, once mountain started sinking, Vishnu takes form of a Turtle, Kurma and supports the mountain.

What if the Samudra Manthan happened during the times of Twitter?  What if they live-tweeted the event?  It will probably look like this:

@IndraRockz:  Abeyaar, this @D4Durvasa is way too sensitive. Only because of him we have to now churn the ocean.

@D4Durvasa: @IndraRockz #lulz

@MtMandar: Yo, @Vasuki, mount me. #IAmDecent

@Vasuki: *hiss*

@DevasRulez: We have checked into @MtMandar with @_Asuras_ 4sq.com/Mandar Let the churning begin. *dibs on holding the tail of @Vasuki*

@MtMandar: Whoa, luks lyk u r njoing a lot, here, take this #Halahal

@DevasRulez: We're not taking #Halahal

@_Asuras_: neither are we, cc. @Vishnu RT @DevasRulez: We're not taking #Halahal

@Vishnu: @_Asuras_ @DevasRulez wait yougaiz, let me ask @ShivasRegal for help, he's awesome that way.

@ShivasRegal: @Vishnu Y U NOOO TRY SOME YOURSELF?

@Vishnu: @ShivasRegal Poda.

@ShivasRegal: @Vishnu Okfiiiine. Give me #Halahal on the rocks.

@Paro: @ShivasRegal Swamy pls, don't drink too much.

@ShivasRegal: @Paro If you say so, darling, not a drop will go down the throat.

@ShivasRegal: ZOMG. MY THROAT IS TURNING BLUE! #HumAwesomeHai

@Paro ♥ @ShivasRegal: ZOMG. MY THROAT IS TURNING BLUE! #HumAwesomeHai

@Vasuki: Yougaiz, are you gonna keep churning or should I go home now? *hissss*

@_Asuras_ @Vasuki Abeyaar, when did you last brush your fangs? 

@_Asuras_: Whoa! Look at all these awesome things coming out! *dibs on Varuni - all booze on the house* *shows thenga to @Sujej*

@Vishnu: Yo, Lakshmi, #comeoffraa

@DevasRules: Heh, *dibs on the Apsaras*

@Vishnu: I'm taking Kamdhenu, so that years later, her progeny can roam on the streets of India laying fresh warm dung. ♥

@IndraRockz: I think elephants are cute, Airu, come to me.

@_Asuras_: WHOA! 7 headed horse! HOW COOL IS THAT! Uchhaishravas, you come with us.

@Vishnu: I love shiny objects, I'm taking the jewels.

@DevasRules: Parijat tree comes with us, Our wives love the smell.

@Vishnu: Here, @ShivasRegal, Y U NOOO KEEP THIS MOON AS A TOKEN OF OUR APPRECIATION FOR DRINKING THE ALL DESTRUCTIVE POISON?

@DrDhanvantari: I HAVE ARRIVED! *looks lovingly at pot of Amrut*


After this, no one live tweeted the event because they all got busy fighting it off on who will drink the nectar of immortality? So Garuda came and took off with the kumbha (pot) and very cleverly dropped 4 drops at 4 different places, so that Kumbh Mela could be held every 12 years and could act as wonderful background story for zillion Hindi movies.

(The above post is inspired from @mishrashiv's absolutely hilarious blog in Hindi. The references of Samudra Manthan taken from it's Wikipedia page. )

How to show you are not my friend?

You hate my guts. In fact, you hate everything about me. Following me on twitter and being my friend on facebook was your guilty pleasure.

Or maybe I was your facebook friend because at some point I played farmville and you wanted me to be your neighbour so you could increase your farm size or hoped that someday I will send out those bushels of grapes or whatever shit you grew on your virtual farm.

But since you had hundreds of friends, you never quite realised I had you on limited profile list, where you could not have access to my wall, my photographs, and I had blocked and reported spam to all farmville and cityville notifications. Yeah. #win

You unfriended me once on facebook. But few weeks later, you again wanted one more neighbour in your farm. You added me again. Never quite realising I never got any of your notifications to join you as a neighbour. And seriously, I can't even tolerate you in real life, why would I want you as my neighbour in a virtual world? *shudders* Also, I was just being polite by accepting your friends request.

And then twitter. Ah, twitter. Lovely, lovely addiction. Even there you follow hundreds of people, while I'm baffled how people keep track of so many people they follow. I'm struggling, but slowly increasing the number cos there are so many awesome people out there!! I digress. So coming back to twitter.

As I mentioned before, you hate me, but going through my tweets, which doesn't have settings like limited profile, were open. You could read, laugh at my tweets, agree/disagree, but never reply. Why? Because you are way above me. It's below you to reply to my lowly tweets.

But you started hating me, and so you had to let me know. You unfollow me. But, every other hour, you visit the profile, read my tweets and burn yourself in anger towards me.

So, seriously, how old are you - emotionally and mentally? And how seriously do you take yourself? And Social Networking?

And not that it matters, but seriously, why are you so negative about everything in general? What is it about people and relationships that make you so insecure that you start taking virtual relationships so seriously?

If my presence didn't affect you, why go to such lengths to show you are not my friend? :-)

TwitterGita

@Arjun

has checked in at Kurukshetra with @LordKrishna, @YoYudi, @B4Bheem, @Sahdevrocks and @lukan

wtf - so thanks to @CrazyDrau, i'm now standing against my cousins. losing morale, @LordKrishna, #help

@LordKrishna

in reply to @Arjun #abbeyaar, told you thousand times, nainam chindanti shastrani, nainam dahati... you're not killing them.

[This page is in Malay, use google translation?]

@Arjun

in reply to @LordKrishna but isn't it a sin to kill people, esp my relatives and the #kvlt gurus?

@LordKrishna

in reply to @Arjun Go ahead, you are a warrior, and you must fight, as that is the path of your dharma. Also, don't worry about fruits, pay attention to karma #rhymes

And just so you know, I'm awesomeness redefined. In short, the best amongst everything.

@Arjun

in reply to @LordKrishna #PontingFace

@LordKrishna

in reply to @Arjun http://twitpic.com/dashavtara have a look #EPIC

@Arjun

in reply to @LordKrishna omg! #SirUMadeLakhs that's awesomeness!

@LordKrishna

in reply to @Arjun so you see, it's all destined. go ahead - surrender yourself to me, I am the ultimate truth.

@Arjun

+1 RT @LordKrishna so you see, it's all destined. go ahead - surrender yourself to me, I am the ultimate truth.

I am now ready to kick some asses.

In the meantime, #followfriday @LordKrishna for his awesomeness!

(ps - no intention to hurt any religious sentiments, and on a personal level, I love the chapter 10 of gita where Krishna describes how awesome He is! :) )