Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Coping up with the nightmares

So since last few months, I've been having terrifying nightmares.  Thankfully, just like my dreams, even my nightmares haven't come true.

But it has not been a pleasant experience.  All these night terrors are beyond my conscious control. I wake up with a jolt, mostly glad that I am not really trapped in enclosed places or stranded in ocean in a boat.  Being stranded in ocean in a boat is one of the most recurring nightmares and it is terrifying because I have unusual fear of huge water bodies and these nightmares are not helping.

Last few months, I woke up with annoying pain in my teeth which was followed by uncomfortable headache and neck and shoulder pains.

Considering my love for WebMD, I have gone through most of the diseases there and have died and resurrected multiple times.  So Nirwa Mehta, WebMD, self diagnosed the pains as sinus.  Because #forevercold has been one of the annoying things growing up.  I just assumed the pains in the usual sinus zones is because of cold/upcoming symptom of cold, but when the pain vanished a few days later and I didn't have a runny nose, I dismissed it on the ginger, mint, pepper water I have in the mornings to have boosted my immunity that I'm fighting the flu.

Yeah, I know, I need to see a doctor for more reasons than one.

But then last week, the teethache went too far.  It was so uncomfortable and I thought I am losing all my teeth.

Asked my dentist friend if I should see my dentist.

My dentist is this really nice man who has extracted all four of my wisdom teeth because of the overflowing wisdom in me.  Willing to bet the new Volkswagen he drives is paid for by our family.  Yeah, we have a family dentist because having a family physician is too mainstream.

Anyway, he has a good look at my teeth, announces my teeth are in good condition, and I need to meditate to relax.

Heh.

Meditation.

Heh.

You see, I went to a school where I learnt Yogasan for 9 years.  (yes, I have certificate to prove the same, also Bharatnatyam. Heh. Heh. Heh.)

While learning Yogasan, the most difficult part was meditating.

You are just sitting there, trying to concentrate on your breathing and trying to get into a state of thoughtlessness.

See, that's not going to happen.  My mind is so full of webs (other than inter-webz :P) that a part of me is terrified of looking into it.  I'd rather let the webs in my mind lie as they are than clean them up because I am not sure how I will deal with repressed memories.

At times I am not even sure if they are repressed memories or situations I created in my head and were so real that they now seem like repressed memories.

Brain, my dear friends, is a wonderful and scary organ. It is very easy to lose hold of reality and assume completely imaginary scenarios as real.

So, meditation is not going to work.

Today morning I woke up, brushed my teeth and went back to sleep.  I didn't sleep-sleep, more like lied in bed till I got bored of lying in bed, and in those moments I felt like I felt an earthquake.  I was in the sleep-awake zone.

I experienced the 2001 earthquake and ever since if I've been stressed, my mind plays tricks and makes me feel like there are tremors.  It is terrifying.  Because it feels so real and there are no tremors and you cannot explain anyone you just felt an earthquake that never was.

So coming back - how do I cope with these nightmares. There has got to be a way where you do not have to look into your mind to ease your mind, right?

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