Saturday, November 6, 2010

The Big Fight.

So the Big O arrives in India, and the media is going berserk. I am surprised how come no one has roped in Manish Malhotra for his expert comment on Michelle Obama's outfit.

So the Awesome Reporters Inc., got together to have a question-answer-hallucination session with the Obamas. Here is an excerpt of the same.

Oh, and riding on the success wave of CWG goofups, Suresh Kalmadi was roped in to welcome Obama and Awesome Reporters.

Zuresh Kalmadi : Once upon a time, there was a man named Christopher Columbus. He set sail to discover the awesome place called India, but ended up on the other side of teh world, and called it America. After hundreds of years of that eventful day, two people (along with thousands of security guards) have managed to cross the saat samundars and reach the land called India. Finally.

Today, on the pious occasion of Diwali, let me welcome the foreign phataka (smiles suggestively at Michelle) and his husband, Frock Obama. It gives me great pleasure to welcome them to the country which has rich politicians err.. culture.

With the peaceful couple, we also have the reporters from the various news channel who are very keen on asking questions to the couple, but have been slapped with restraining orders because of their awesomeness. We have with us, Rajat Sharma, Barkha Dutt, Rajdeep Sardesai and the one and only Astro Uncle.

(yells)I declare the games open.

Razat Sharma (RS) : Obamaji, aaj aap pehli baar bharatiya shauchalay mein gaye the, aap kaisa mehsus kar rahe hai?

Obama : Meh-who?

Just then, a crazy man looking like a cross between a walrus and a lizard comes running. His hair are all disheveled and one side of his glasses are broken and stuck together with a tape. He snatches the microphone from Obama and runs around the room shouting, "is mic pe sirf mera haqq hai".

Bharka Dutt (BD) : Security, please come and get Arnab, he is having one of his attacks. (to Obama) we've just checked him into the i-can't-stop-speaking rehab and he keeps running away. And you don't need to answer RS's questions - imagine, Rakhi Sawant once asked him to marry her. No one, not even himself takes him seriously. So, here I come to the question I am itching to ask you, how does your visit to India is going to affect the suicidal farmers in Vidarbha? Do you know how mumbai and delhi are cleaned up for your visit? Do you realise how the common man is deprived of his fun and frolic on Diwali because of you - it was because of YOUR visit that the fire crackers are banned - it's Diwali, the festival of light, and Mumbai is in a state of darkness only because YOU are here? Why couldn't you choose the next weekend? Or, was it because you wanted to prove a point on how powerful you are to shut down the celebrations of the most loved festival of the secular nation? Why did you not choose to come down during Christmas or Eid? Oh, adn you know, Suresh Kalmadi anagrams as Sir U Made Lakhs? *smirks*

Raj-dip Sardesai (RS2) : (to himself) sigh, why do you think I left the frigging news channel? She can drive anyone up the walls by questions that make no sense.

Obama : (looks around nervously)

Suresh Kalmadi : That's another Gold for India. I congratulate the organising committee. Next question please.

RS2 : Welcome to India, Mr. President.

Obama : (looking relieved that he finally got a chance to speak to a non-crazy person) Thank you. And Err.. Happy Diwali?

RS2 : Happy Diwali to you too. What are your views on news papers printing Mahendra Singh Dhoni and his wife splashing around in a beach? Is that invasion of privacy by media? Please watch out one hour debate on how intrusive media is. But we would like to know your views too.

BD : (to herself) why do you think we kicked him out? heh heh. That is not invasion of privacy. That is journalism. Invasion of privacy is when you ask an ex minister of state whether he has a girlfriend. (ref Shashi Tharoor)

Astro Uncle : jis waqt aapka plane land hua bharat mein, us waqt sitaron ki jo position thi, usse aapko bahaut hi labh hoga. Aapke sitare kehte hai ki aap ko yahan bahaut gyaan milne wala hai, aur yeh aapka nazaria badal dega.

Obama looks around the hall hoping against hopes for some sort of support.

Just then, a voice comes alive.

Bigg boss chahte hai ki Obama aur unki patni, is pagalkhane ka udghatan kare aur apni jaan bacha kar bhaage. Yeh bahaut hi khatarnaak log hai, aur inke saath rehna surakshit nahin.

The bewildered Obama couple run out of the place, and go back home with a different perspective about India. Astro Uncle was right.

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