Questions, questions.

So you think, "shaadi kab karogi/karoge?" is the worst question you have to answer every time you meet your relatives?

Try answering, "iss baar bhi clear nahin hua?"

Or, "abhi bhi CA kar rahi hai?"

Yeah, yeah, give them benefit of doubt, on how they don't know that even if you clear everything at one go, it takes easily 5 years to clear. Or that they don't know how tough the course is.  Or they are just idiots.

The fact that I have to answer such questions with an awkward laughter makes me desperate to leave this city.  Oh, go ahead, smirk that I am trying to run away from problems.  You are not on the receiving end of accusatory glances.

As if I had gone out of my way to flunk.

Listen. I don't know what goes wrong.  When the exams got over this time in May, I told my Dad if I pass in Direct Taxes paper, I'll pass.  I was so desperately praying that I get 40/100 in Direct Taxes because I was very hopeful for rest of papers.  I got 53 in Direct Taxes.  I didn't clear any of the remaining 3 papers.  Last time, I had cleared all, missed out on aggregate.

Institute of Chartered Accountants of India thinks it's God.  Working in mysterious ways. But no, it sucks. (heh, pls don't debar me. I'm just angry and venting, ok?)

And of course, everyone has a suggestion on how I can clear it next time.  The best is joining a coaching class.  Now I have nothing against coaching classes.  But all these years, I have not taken a single tuition.  I have cleared all my CA exams till now without attending coaching classes.  How come my achievements till today are overlooked over the fact I didn't clear exam this time? It's not that I got marks in single digits.

There is nothing new the coaching classes can teach me.  "But you'll get a discipline", they say.  According to them, attending crash batch, where I sit for 10 hours in one room, where my mind gets distracted because I already know what the tutor is teaching will be less fruitful than me practicing on my own.  And honestly, if I don't decide to bring discipline to my life, no coaching class will be able to do that. I'm kinda stubborn that way. Not something I'm proud of.

Anyway.

I'm annoyed.  I'm angry.  And I've been crying all day today.  So much that my eyes are burning now and I should probably sleep.  But yes, I could do with a kind word or two! :'(

God Particle की कहानी

शिवजी और पार्वतीजी कैलासपरबत पर बैठ कर चाय की चुस्कियां भर रहे थे। गर्मी ने नंदीजी की हालत बेहाल कर राखी थी। देवों के देव, महादेव अपने चिल्लम में से एक कश लिए।
पार्वतीजी बोली, "स्वामी, यह god particle  क्या होता है?"
शिवजी मुस्कुराये और बोले, "प्रिये, जब हमने यह सृष्टि का सर्जन किया था, तब हमने इंसानों को confuse करने के लिए procedure  को document  नहीं किया था।  आज सदियों बाद उनको लगता है की उन्हें पता चला है की हमने दुनिया कैसे बनायीं होगी।"
पार्वतीजी बोली, "स्वामी,  लेकिन आपने ऐसा क्यूँ किया? अपने भक्तो को परेशां करने में आपको बड़ा मज़ा आता है।"
शिवजी की गर्दन पे लिपटा सांप फुर्राया और हलके से मुस्कुराया।
शिवजी बोले, "प्रिये, आज हम आपको एक विशेष टिप्पनी देना चाहते है। दुनिया में ऐसी कई चीज़े है जिनका राज़ सबको नहीं पता होता। उनको जानना ज़रूरी भी नहीं होता। कई बार चीज़े हम पर छोडनी चाहिए। इंसान हममें विश्वास करे या न करे, हम सब देख रहे है। उन्हें सिर्फ थोड़े और विश्वास की ज़रूरत है।"
पार्वतीजी बोली, "आपके तरीके तो मेरे समझ के बहार है।"
शिवजी मुस्कुराये और कहा, "कई बार मेरे तरीके मेरे भी समझ के बहार है। जैसा मैंने कहा, हर रहस्य जानना ज़रूरी नहीं है।"  

khaana kha ke jaana

So this school friend of mine is getting married tomorrow.  Well, technically, today.  I've been attending her pre-wedding functions since monday and let me say, I am blinded by all the bling I have witnessed in past few days.  She's a Sindhi, and with all due respect to the community, there is only this much bling my eyes can take. 

Not that it's a bad thing.  Gujarati weddings are also colourful affairs.  Just that we have less bling, and more colours.  I, personally do not like dressing up.  I am usually the odd one out at most weddings, with simple cotton dress and some kajal as makeup.  Last few days I felt so out of place, I was hiding myself in the corners because I thought everyone will keep staring at me for wearing something so simple.

In the meantime, one grandma was chatting up with me in Sindhi for good 10 minutes before friend's mother pointed out that I don't understand the language, and I think she cursed me before ignoring me completely for the rest of the function. 

And then the dance.  These guys just do not get tired.  Yesterday, at one point, everyone broke into a Garba, and the only Gujarati under the roof was sitting in one corner, tweeting how everyone is dancing on Garba beats.  That is how socially awkward I am. :|

And then, today was the "ring ceremony".  I have learnt my lesson in past few days that none of the functions start on time.  If they say 7:30 pm onwards, it means if you reach at 7:45, you will be the one supervising the hotel staff in arranging chairs.  Family will also come in fashionably at 9:00 and the bride and groom make a grand entrance at 10:00 pm.  Abbe, khana kab khilaoge?

So today, for the 7:30 pm onwards wala function, I went at 8:30.  I had a talk with friend's sister who gave me directions to the venue.  As soon as I was parking, I see a couple of people getting off a taxi, wearing heavy dress get off.  I quickly parked the car and followed them.

As usual, I could not find the family members or one or two familiar faces I saw daily.  I looked around, and then found myself a secluded corner and made myself comfortable.  I looked up my twitter timeline, and generally acted busy.  We all know the benefit of smartphone.  I was offered watermelon juice and some vegetable crispies, which I devoured.  Hmm.  And then, it hit me.  Everyone around me was talking in Gujarati.

Wait, what?

I looked around.  EVERYONE WAS TALKING IN GUJARATI!

Panic attack.  What? Where am I! No bling bling outfits, but red, green, yellow bandhanis. (pls google bandhani - it's a lovely saree style). I quickly put the watermelon juice on the floor and walked out.  I called up friend's sister, and asked her where they were.  She told me they had already reached and the function was about to start.  She almost laughed while asking if I got lost again.  I said no, because I was in the premises of the stupid hotel. 

And then I saw it.  I was attending "40th wedding anniversary of Jayantilal and Maniben Patel".  Ring ceremony of my friend was in *another* banquet hall, next to the one in. 

:|

I had half mind to go and wish Mr. and Mrs. Patel on their achievement, but I could not get over the fact that I had just gatecrashed a party. :|

Of course, the rest of the party that I attended was of my friend, which was fun.  Except for the part where they were playing "happy birthday to you" instrumental when they were exchanging rings.  Turns out only I noticed the song and no one else found it funny.

On that note, I will watch You've Got Mail, again, while munching peanuts, because after those vegetable crispies, I was too shocked to eat anything there.  And I'm hungry, and I don't want to go and make maggi right now.

hmmm

So like every other post of mine, this is not going to make much sense.

You know what has been my problem? I don't talk.  No, I mean, I do talk. A lot.  But I rarely talk what is going on deep in my mind.  What has been bothering me. What is wrong with my life.  Yes, career part aside, which is driving me crazy anyway, there is a part of me, the secluded corner of my heart which even I rarely visit.

Even when I do, I want to shut itself up, and pretend as if everything is all right.  Yes, I like to pretend that it will all be good, and I am too coward to face "it".  Someday I will gather up the courage to face my fears, but I don't see it happening all by myself.  I guess I like to pretend that I am strong enough to take care of myself, but deep inside, I know I want an emotional support.

Yes, everyone tells me to talk whatever I feel like, but life would've been so much simpler if I just listened to them.

Give me that trust that whatever I say, you will not judge me.  That you will not abandon me.  That you will just listen.  I don't want to talk about my fears to an anonymous person.  Not just a screen name, but a real person.  Even writing this has taken up a lot of courage. 

I'd like someone to ask me what is bothering me, and not give up asking till I give in and pour my heart out.  I need the reassurance that you will not run away.  Like everyone else has.  And I'd like that friend to come into my life now.