Friday, October 18, 2013

Why I don't have friends.

I've been introspecting.  It is the kind of thing you do when you're alone at home, with your parents vacationing and you've to cook your own meals.  Nothing wrong about cooking own meals. I enjoy cooking.  But I don't like cooking just for myself. It is too much effort for one person.  So been having khichdi almost alternate days for meals because it is yummeh, it is easy and doesn't take a lot of effort.

And when you are alone at home, where every time you hear leaves rustle, you expect a psychotic killer waiting to kill you (yes, i love crime drama and i cannot lie) or you invariably check behind the shower curtain hoping and thanking god that there was no one standing there with a knife ready to kill you. (at this point, I already have escape routes planned and also my cry for help line ready when I lock myself into a cupboard waiting for the brilliant Ahmedabad Police to arrive to rescue me. LOLJK, I expect the FBI to save me)

Anyway, so I've been wondering why I don't have friends.

Other than the fact that most have moved out of the city.

Maybe it is because I am way too random and they don't get it why I'm saying certain things I'm saying.  All I'll say is I am a very curious being.  I like asking things and questioning stuff and I have let my imagination run wild.  So what if no one else thinks that these days Lata Mangeshkar sounds like she were a boy who has recently hit puberty and his voice just broke? Not saying I'm a great singer, but if I were here, I'd retire before I start sounding like Annu Mallik. And that is not even a compliment.  So maybe I'm too random.

I suck at small talk.  I can talk for hours otherwise.  I tend to be very chatty too.  But I don't like making a small talk.  So maybe I'm in a wrong profession where I *have* to make a small talk to "network", but I'll get there.

My low tolerance for stupidity and sarcasm.  I think stupidity is one of the stupidest things some people are blessed with.  And stupidity with sarcasm is a lethal combination.  I mean, what makes stupid people think that they can afford to be sarcastic too? You don't have to pretend to be polite when you're friends, but keep that sarcasm under control because according to the statistics I just made up, 95 % of relationships have gone from bad to worse because of sarcasm.  Or maybe being super caustic and vicious about things.  It just doesn't work.  Everyone has their own level of tolerance, mine is dipping everyday.  Sometimes, it is not even worth the effort to tolerate sarcasm to save a friendship.

My super ability to attract people who hate socialising.  Now, for someone who is a recovering from social anxiety (or maybe I'm not recovering yet), this is probably the worst thing to happen.  You try to go out and meet people, but the one or two friends you end up making hate meeting people.  You end up remaining a socially awkward being for the rest of your life. :(

Maybe I am way too damaged.  I have issues with getting emotionally dependent on anyone who's nice to me.  So sometimes, I go out of my way to not get too clingy, but I fail.  This is one thing I really need to rectify.  Mostly because, it usually ends with me being in tears and crying myself to sleep.  I don't learn from my actions, though. :( Well, on the positive side, I know what the issue is.  And though it's futile, at least I'm trying to work on it.

Sigh.  Now I'm all sad.

And the entire weekend I'll be on my own, with not even colleagues to talk to.  I'm not sure how to feel about it.  I like being on my own when the parents are around.  But when they aren't around, I crave people to talk to. :(

Maybe that is why I don't have friends.

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