Godman for Dummies

The first time my impressionable young mind got know what a godman is, was when I first visited the Akshardham temple in Gandhingar. Till then, only Ram and Krishna and Shiv and all those dudes were the gods. Suddenly, I saw people praying to humanoids claiming to be avatar of gods.

Intriguing.

We learnt lessons in school on how God resides in all of us, including humans and plants and animals, and how if you hurt/kill any of them, you end up hurting God, and getting closer to your residence in hell. Well, these guys obviously took those lessons way too seriously and started claiming themselves as gods.

And if you have a look at the assets of these human-gods, you'll be amazed at the vast fortune they've accumulated in such a short span! perhaps, they *are* gods!

Sometime back, there was this man duping people in Ahmedabad and Gujarat.. he was claiming to be some mataji (yea, we gujjus are quite creative, most male godmen are reincarnated avatars of male gods, this one was a female god!).. he used to wear tiaras and go about blessing people and people were so astounded by his godliness they started giving him their hard earned money and other jewellery cos the male mataji had promised to multiply their wealth. Of course, he was caught and is perhaps in Sabarmati jail frying bhajiyas for the janta of Ahmedabad. The jailhouse rocks, eh?

Anyway, so when these news were the front page news in the city, I had made up my mind to become a godman too. I mean, how hard could it be?

First thing you got to do to become a godman is decide which god's reincarnated form you're going to be? If you think you don't want to spend the rest of your human-god life in some other god's shadow, perhaps you can start a new religion. Become a new god yourself. While there are some few crore gods already, one more to it wont skew the ratio! Plus, Hinduism as a religion tolerates, and in so many ways encourages new gods coming up, so that the original gods strive for efficiency. I digress. So, first thing you got to do to become a godman is select a god.

Then you go about travelling. Wear white/saffron coloured clothes, rudraksh mala, some marks on your forehead, grow a beard and don't get a haircut. Of course, if you are a woman, you can't physically grow a beard, so if you're a woman, you may choose to going makeupless and also ditch marofy your monthly waxing and eyebrow trimming ordeal. Before you go to a city, you send your PR person there and get huge hoardings and also display your "darshan" timings. That way, people will come to the gathering out of curiosity - and the disillusioned people, duped by previous babas, will have their faith instilled again in one new godman. Of course, you should not feel guilty for "playing with gullible people's emotions", they asked for it the moment they started believing in you.

Have an innovative way of giving away prasads. A hug is already taken, maybe you should try giving a kiss? But then, be sure that you don't go overboard with it - sexual abuse allegations against godmen aren't uncommon! Claim your celibacy and refute all these allegations. They are out to get you cos of your charitable work.

Yoga is the in thing. Even if you can't cure your involuntary eye movements, lay claims that you can cure homosexuality - that is going to get you publicity. When you are at the peak, enter into politics. Also host tv shows with hotties like rakhi sawant and teach her bharatiya sabhyata ke lessons.

Income tax can go take a dive, learn magic tricks on how to materialise gold out of thin air.

Whenever an allegation is made that you exploit and sexually abuse young boys and girls and not so young boys and girls, condemn these allegations and blame the 'foreign hand'. Oh, wait, that's what the prime minister and home minister do - as a godman, you are not expected to give explanations!

And last but not the least, give one tight slap to all those who think you are actually an avatar of some god.

ps - no offence meant, to each his own religious views, but on a personal level, i feel no human being is superior to another, and vyakti puja is something i cannot get myself to believe in.