Wednesday, May 4, 2011

What if Osama was in India?

India is a powerful country.

What if Osama was hiding in India and/or captured here?

1. CID team, led by ACP Pradyuman would've been called for where he would've ordered Daya to break open the door and one tight slap to Osama and he would've started talking like a piano. Of course, because of so many clones around, to check if he is the real Osama, his DNA testing would've been carried out in Dr. Salunkhe's forensic lab, where fuchsia, green, blue, purple and yellow liquids would've been poured in random test tubes and Salunkhe will declare, "Mhaaii Gawd, yeh toh Osama ki laash hai".

2. Random calculations, like how long has it been since the death of Sathya Sai Baba, Prince Williams's wedding and how far these two venues were located from the place Osama was killed. Immediately, Astro uncle would be called to give his wise inputs and he will talk about the positions of the stars. Perhaps also predict where will Osama next take birth, and as who? You never know, in his next birth, he could be the POTUS :P

3. Aishwarya Rai, Priyanka Chopra, Bipasha Basu, Katrina Kaif would be interviewed and their views on Osama would be displayed. What.. if they can have an opinion on the Finance Bill every year, why not Osama?

4. India TV will call Veena Mallik and Rakhi Sawant and they will give their expert views. Rakhi Sawant will be jealous cos she only had 25 fools to choose for the swayamvar, while Osama will have 72 virgins. Shit. She immediately declares a second swayamvar and asks Arnab Goswami to marry her. Which brings me to Arnab Goswami.

5. Arnab Goswami. He would take credit of killing Osama because the only tv channel Osama inc subscribed to was Times Now. #TrueStory

6. Narendra Modi. There could be two situations here, Osama was in Gujarat and killed, in which case, Modi would've paved himself his road for 2014 elections as someone who managed to capture and kill the elusive terrorist. Second situation where Osama was killed in other part of congress run India.. umm.. something tells me he would've praised the army/navy/airforce/police for their feat, and ridiculed people like Digvijay Singh, who're perpetually hallucinating. (no, seriously, what's wrong with him?)

7. Ram Gopal Varma would've visited the site with an intention to make a movie on the same. Kanti Shah would've already directed and released the movie called, Maut Dharti Pe, Honeymoon Narak Mein, or Gunda part 2.

8. Rajat Sharma would've held a Janta Ki Adalat episode with Osama's ghost, and asked him various questions on behalf of Janta, including, but not limited to, "Rakhi Sawant ka kehna hai ki aapne usse pappi li thi, kya yeh baat sach hai?, Kya yeh sab aapne 72 virgins ki laalach mein kiya hai? Agar aapko Dolly Bindra ke saath Bigg Boss ke ghar mein rakhne ki offer aaye, toh kya aap usko sweekar karenge?"

9. The people are happy, but they still don't go about getting drunk on streets, partying for a week.. it's not that we've won the cricket world cup, its just one terrorist dead, albeit under suspicious circumstances! We didn't get to see it live, so it doesnt impress us much!

10. Last but not the least, in case he would've been captured alive, well, Ram Jethmalani would've had the case of his lifetime, and Osama and Kasav would be roomies! India would wait forever for evidence.. and well, one plane hijack and there goes osama with kasav! :p

But, then, he was found in the supremely innocent state called Pakistan! aww, poor guys had no clue he was hiding there! I'm sure, they are still waiting for evidence suggesting Osama was indeed in Pakistan!


Anonymous said...

You're good :)

Nirwa Mehta said...

Hey, thanks! :) would've liked it if you had also left your name! :)

Reshma said...

ha ha ha...seriously yaar.. Nirwa Mehta, you are too good! :)

The 10th point made me laugh the most. Keep it up...sweetheart. (Ridicule me for calling that! ha ha). You are a laughter Goddess, and I like all ridicules you do.

Love you! :-)

Reshma said...

As a second thought, if I were a producer, I would host you on National TV network. Seriously. You are so real, and people would love you ...and we would earn truckloads from the TRPs ! :)

[Connections hain toh please try karo Nirwa. You must host a network TV show. Seriously.]

Nirwa Mehta said...

Reshmaaaa! :D

Thank you!! :D Am so flattered! :D

Wow, re-read the comments over and over and can't stop grinning! :D

Reshma said...

Maan lo, am serious all the way. My complinents are genuine too. Sach mein you are a talent, too rare. I heartily hope God gets you the right-est opportunity where you get to nurture your talents. Wish you all the best sweetheart.

(Now, i dont wanna be the family villain here, and wish your parents dont read this - hi hi, Take some risk & money, make an opportunity yourself. START DOING SOMETHING on your own....; I dunno what it will be, all I know is, it will be Fabulous! :)

Vish Santhakumar said...

ROFLMAO! You are freaking awesome!

N.R said...

Hahah! Well written..following this blog!

Mehak said...

haha, i totally second Reshma about the tv show thing. you're awesome! great read and keep them coming :D

Nirwa said...


thanks a lot! :-) maybe I should think seriously on those lines!


:D thanks! Good to see you back! :-)


Thanks! :-) and welcome to the blog!


:D thankoo! :-)

Reshma said...

Thank you Mehak, for the inspiring note to Nirwa :)

We all look forward to see you for real (read: on TV), Nirwa. God bless you. Wish you all the best!!

Madman said...

Damn good.. Like the way its been written and touched on all the typical bases that make our media and this country great.. :)

Nikki said...

Too Good Nirwa!.. i re-read this more than twice.. still laughing. You so rightly SAID IT!!!!

Shiv said...


I am looking for those who misunderstood this genius. I am serious.

A comment which starts with "hilarious" and ends with "serious" can only be a tribute to your genius.

Nirwa rocks!!