Friday, January 4, 2013

The NRI season

Gujarat has 4 seasons. Summer (10 months), Monsoon (2 weeks and flooded), Winter (1 week) and NRI.

NRI season is native to Gujarat and brings with itself migratory humans, who have moved and settle in Ummerika, but visit India every year when the winters in Ummerika get too harsh.

Disclaimer: This is a compilation of observations over the years. And just some of them. There may or may not be part 2 depending on how much the current batch of NRIs have annoyed me.

How to spot an NRI?

They are easy to spot.  They will be almost always sporting shorts amidst pool of woolens because Gujarati winter is the peak of summer for them, even if the rest of Gujarat is experiencing cold wave. (my fingers have frozen as I type this and so has my nose)

They will also be the one wearing dhinchak shiny clothes because they can.  They are always dressed to party.  Oh, and they are usually here to get their sons or daughters married.

How to spot an NRI wedding?

That's easy too.  So basically, Gujarat has a ka-muhurat (inauspicious) time, sometime after 13/14 December to 14 January.  They say marriages should not take place during this time for reasons which are too long to be explained here.  Anyway, NRIs are hipsters and do not believe in this.  So, almost all the weddings that happen during this time, which coincides with the NRI arrival time, are NRI weddings. 

They will always be at posh banquet halls, but then, they will also complain how they are ripped apart by these halls.  Truth is, they think India is still pre1990s era.  They somehow think India is unaffected by inflation. And of course, because they have NRI tattooed on their forehead, they are charged more. 

Frankly, if I were to deal with their tantrums, I'd totally charge them double just to piss them off.

How do you know an NRI has an iPhone, iPad, an MBP and and iPod? 

He takes them along wherever he goes.  I have a feeling he Facetimes himself from his iPhone to his iPad, because he is so vain, but he takes them along and waits for the people from third world country to look awestruck with his gadgets.  Little does he know that no one really cares about that.

How does an NRI protect his property in India?

He uses camera.  He puts half a dozen camera in and around his house, and transfers live feed to his computer back in US so that he knows whenever someone enters his house.  Little does he know that within a week of his returning to US, a bunch of monkeys managed to mess up the internet connection wires such that the only way to fix them was to go to their terrace, and that cannot be done because the keys were in US with them, because they don't trust humans.  All in all, we had a good laugh because in last 8 months, more monkeys came and pooped all over the balcony and the outer walls. 

Sigh.  I could write longer on this, but I'll just get myself some nice warm tea with lots of ginger and curl up and read a book. 


Harshil B Shah said...

Haha Damn Accurate

Harshil B Shah said...

Haha Damn Accurate

Abhishek Ojha said...

Wow ! sounds like a lot of fun. I should visit Gujarat in this season sometime. just to piss some of these NRIs off :P

Ketan said...

Ah! But, I also don't believe in 'inauspicious times' and all. :(

Nirwa Mehta said...

@ Harshil

:P thank you

@ Abhishek

hahahah! come, come! next time you visit, do include Ahmedabad on your must visit list.

@ Ketan

hahaha! that makes you an honorary NRI. :P kidding. :)