Sunday, June 16, 2013

Happy Fathers' Day

When I was awaiting my 12th board results (don't ask how long back, makes me feel older :( ), I wanted to be either a criminal lawyer or a journalist.  But then, my dad never wanted that.  "What do you want to be criminal lawyer for? To help the criminals? And who pays a journalist anyway? Such bad lifestyle they have.." were his arguments.  And I had an elder sister who had just returned after finishing her masters in the US and I had a lot of expectations to meet.

Having always been the younger, stupider daughter, I usually gave in.  Obviously, daddy knows what's right for me.  (NO, he does not)

So, it was that one moment of insanity when I took up the chartered accountancy course.  But then, since I liked writing, I started writing reviews on this website called (if anyone has been on that website, I was crimemastergogo) and showing solidarity with a friend who got into some sort of fight with the management there, a bunch of us quit writing there and that's where I started my first blog.  When my dad got to know of my blog, his first question was "why would anyone want to read what you write? Well, I still don't know an answer to that.

Oh, in between, I even took CAT.  But didn't prepare for it because my dad wouldn't let me apply to MICA. (communication is not for you - stick with finance)  I scored 68 percentile, where I scored 98 percentile in Verbal Ability.  Of course, I didn't get through the IIMs.

Anyway, to cut the long story short, I gave all my heart and mind to CA.  I interned at one of the best audit firms in the state (Deloitte, one of the Big Four) and learnt a lot from the mentors I had.  I worked on some of the best assignments and a lot of times under tremendous pressure because of reviews from institute (I was interning in a big four during the Satyam era - what else can you expect?) and there were months when I would reach home post midnight. 

I lost touch with most of my friends.  I still used to update the blog regularly.  Never too busy for internet, right?

And then the failures set in.  One final attempt after other.  I would miss clearing exams by a whisker.  I cleared one group and the second group kept bugging me. 

I had been sitting at home, preparing for the exams, appearing, getting hopes high, and seeing "fail" written on the marksheet.  The cycle was unbreakable.  It was over a year of the drama.  And I'm leaving out a lot of personal drama that happened in all these years.  Dark, dark times.  (I would tell you about it if you promise not to run away from me because you think I am damaged beyond repair.)

In January, I tweeted (oh, Twitter has always been around - you should check out my tweets sometime, I think I'm kind of funny) at 4 am. "It is Brahma Muhurat. Time to wake up. LOLJK, time to sleep before the stupid birds wake up". (okay, it wasn't exactly that, but something on those lines) and I laughed. At myself.  And then I cried to sleep.

I decided I don't want to get on anti-depressants.  I have to take control of my life. (I'm also skipping a lot of personal drama shit here, mostly because it is hurtful to talk about it)  I decided to apply to publication houses, media, newspapers - because I wanted to write. 

After lot of tears shed, I got a call in March from the editor of the Gujarat/Ahmedabad edition of a finance newspaper, if I would still be interested in joining. I agreed.  I was told to wait for a call confirming that which might come from Delhi.  No one in the family knew about it till then.  Except my mum.  She was told about it because I had to tell someone or I would have gone insane, I was seriously losing my mind.  I had already lost all my confidence.  The only thing I had with me was self deprecating humour.

In May when I finally got the call that I'm hired, I cried like a little baby.  Someone was finally willing to bet on me.  Maybe I'm not such a failure I thought I was.

Then I told my dad that I'm going to be a financial journalist.

He was suddenly happy about it.  Going about telling everyone how I am with so-and-so paper.  He has no idea how many nights I cried myself to sleep because I had no idea why I missed clearing my finals by 3 marks.  For him, it was always a joke that if I ever wanted to commit suicide after not clearing my exams, I should just go to Vastrapur lake because it is nearer to house.  He thought it is lightening up the mood and easing the tension of result.  Well, I never had (and still don't) the courage to tell him that the thought of running away from the house crossed my mind many, many times.  And no, it was not the access to internet that kept me home.  Or maybe it was.  Every time the results were out, I was letting him down.  Because you know, the elder daughter is the stronger one and has done brilliantly in her life, fought all obstacles, and I'm the weaker one, who couldn't even clear an exam.

Today, 3 weeks into financial journalism, I am slowly getting my confidence back.   I am afraid if I meet some big corporate honcho, I would probably ask a wrong question and would embarrass the newspaper I represent, but as my editor told me, even if I try, I couldn't come up with a wrong question. 

No, the years I spent as a chartered accountancy student are not wasted.  I probably understand companies better than someone who doesn't come from a background like mine.  I may not have a formal degree in journalism, but I am finance literate and can probably read an annual report better. 

Maybe this was meant to happen.  And even though dad couldn't get me to take up a hardcore finance job, he will have to deal with it that some people actually pay to read what I write.

And what about CA? Well, I don't know.  For the time being, I am enjoying what I am doing.

For the first time in years.  Let me enjoy it while it lasts.

Oh, and dad, happy fathers' day.  No hard feelings.


Mirchi Laddoo said...

U love you Nirwa :* And i would pay to read your tweets and blogs :-D

Mirchi Laddoo said...

Oops typo!! I meant I Love you :-D

ra(n)tified arghya's blog said...

I can totally relate with u...i am a graduate in statistics who went to the best masters school teaching statistics in the country....but somehow things didn't clicked..i clunked..not once but twice....i became a laughing stock...had really low self esteem....thought of doing many stupid things...but never had the courage (thankfully)..i also fancied writing from childhood...hence just on an impulse...joined a journalism i am working in a bengali daily as a financial journalist....hoping to join some big paper once the course gets over....OK...ENOUGH OF my was nice to come across some one who is chasing her dream after some adversity....hence shared it....P.S: i have read your blog earlier also....though this is my first comment here...

Reshma said...

I am willing to subscribe to FE now....just to read you :) Really.

And, this blog post, is one of your bestest, Nirwa. I will read it many more times, for my own inspiration sake. God bless you sweet girl. You are brave, and wonderful !!

Mmuahhh :* :D :)

Vishwa said...

*wipes off another tear*. Enough said.