One of the topic that gets often repeated on my blog is letting go and moving on. Or how I am sometimes holding on, rather, clinging on to a lot of things, that I refuse to move on.
Sometimes, writing about them is like some kind of assertion.
And here I am, once again, writing on similar lines.
It's not that I am not happy. I am. But, there is a void. I will be there for family and friends, when they need me the most. If they want an advice, they'll get one, but more often than not, i am the shoulder they cry on. It doesn't mean I don't get affected. I cannot detach myself completely from the people I love. If something is bothering them, it bothers me. They might feel lighter after pouring their heart out, but then, I am the one who has taken it all in. I feel pulled down by all the weight of their thoughts and feelings.
Maybe it's all my fault. They didn't ask me to take their problems to heart. But I am that way. I sense someone is upset over something, and they might need an outlet, I just have to be there. Probably an unresolved childhood issue to be that one important person who listens.
But then, on the other hand, I find it difficult to express my thoughts. I feel, if I am hurt, or something is bothering me, only I can deal with it. No one else has been in the position that I've been in, because it could be, at the most, a similar position, not the same. Only I can deal with my issues, and no one else. Also, I feel it would be wrong for me to get anyone else to be part of my problems.
There is so much bottled up, and there are so many issues with me, that I do not trust the other person to look at me objectively and empathise. I don't want to hear, 'it's okay, life hai, khush raha kar, don't bother'. no. i know, it all. theory sab pata hai.
I think, I just need that one friend. One friend who would not judge me. And listen. Just listen. And give me a hug. Which I badly need right now. I know, all my friends have good intentions for me. Even the ones I know only virtually, but it takes loads of courage for me to get talking. It doesn't come easy to me.
One of these days, I will face my fears, and get that courage. I hope I find that friend soon.