Ta-ching!

Another Vikram Samvat year comes to an end. There are so many calenders we follow that we celebrate more than one new year. Of course, the CA geek in me also celebrates a new financial year.

Lord Raam has never been my favourite. (what, you don't have a favourite god?) Also, I'm not a very religious person, I guess. I don't visit temples regularly, nor do I do the pooja in the house every day. Though, I do pray fervently during exams, because, well, it's at impossible times like that when you feel God is your only saviour, and you desperately hope he exists somewhere to make things better for you. (read you = me)

Diwali is obviously associated with Raam returning to Ayodhya from Lanka. (here comes the mandatory Pushpak vimaan came before aeroplane part). Now, if you dig into history, Raam is the strongest competitor to Jesus when it comes to religion being reason to war/violence. I mean, c'mon, why didn't Raam get his birth certificate? That would've made things so much simpler. (do we bring in modern day Uttar Pradesh corruption statistics now?) Mayawati is a wise woman. She has made sure to leave her statues all over the place so that no one doubts she was there. ZOMG. She might be the Kalki avatar.

I know, I know I'm digressing, but then, hey, it's Diwali night, I'm generally upset for all the things wrong in my life. And this is my blog, I'm allowed to say whatever I want to.

There was a time, when I tried, or I thought I tried, to manipulate the 'universe' in giving me what i want. then came the time when i just gave it all up, and waited for things to happen, when they are destined to happen. The whole make it happen vs wait for destiny to take its own course battle. Right now, I am just tired. And I'm not even sure of what I'm tired of. Perhaps it's the quarter life crisis. You see, the whole career, life, where the fuck is it headed thing. But then, it just sucks.

I'm moody, I cry randomly. In fact, as I type this, I'm crying, and I don't even know the reason. You know, I'll let you know if I feel I trust you with my feelings. What is bothering me. If i don't tell you, please don't get offended. It's not you, it's just me that I have decided to trust a complete stranger over close friends to pour my heart out. Sometimes, it's just easier to tell a stranger. You, on the other hand, are going to be with me all the time. Even though you may not say, you may judge me. Also, while I say you may judge me, i am judging you. see what i mean? So i'd rather not tell you what's pulling me down. i'd rather sit with you, laugh and generally be silly, than show my weaker side to you.

Also, this time, I've decided that when i do let someone into the personal zone, i'll make sure the person is a real person, and not just a ghost like figure. No, you don't need to know the details. I shared a very special relationship with that friend of mine, and i am not going to let you judge it. But then again, I'd like a hug, time and again, and not just >:D< (the yahoo! messenger hug smiley, yes, that was there before gtalk took over)

So, what is it the point I wanted to talk about in this whole post? *there is no secret ingredient - kung fu panda* there is no point - nirwa mehta. and since this little space in the interwebz is mine, I will type and post whatever i feel like. it may be incoherent, like most of the things i usually say, but then, this is exactly what is me.

i am tired. tired of giving explanations and disclaimers. go away, everyone.

Friend needed

One of the topic that gets often repeated on my blog is letting go and moving on. Or how I am sometimes holding on, rather, clinging on to a lot of things, that I refuse to move on.

Sometimes, writing about them is like some kind of assertion.

And here I am, once again, writing on similar lines.

It's not that I am not happy. I am. But, there is a void. I will be there for family and friends, when they need me the most. If they want an advice, they'll get one, but more often than not, i am the shoulder they cry on. It doesn't mean I don't get affected. I cannot detach myself completely from the people I love. If something is bothering them, it bothers me. They might feel lighter after pouring their heart out, but then, I am the one who has taken it all in. I feel pulled down by all the weight of their thoughts and feelings.

Maybe it's all my fault. They didn't ask me to take their problems to heart. But I am that way. I sense someone is upset over something, and they might need an outlet, I just have to be there. Probably an unresolved childhood issue to be that one important person who listens.

But then, on the other hand, I find it difficult to express my thoughts. I feel, if I am hurt, or something is bothering me, only I can deal with it. No one else has been in the position that I've been in, because it could be, at the most, a similar position, not the same. Only I can deal with my issues, and no one else. Also, I feel it would be wrong for me to get anyone else to be part of my problems.

There is so much bottled up, and there are so many issues with me, that I do not trust the other person to look at me objectively and empathise. I don't want to hear, 'it's okay, life hai, khush raha kar, don't bother'. no. i know, it all. theory sab pata hai.

I think, I just need that one friend. One friend who would not judge me. And listen. Just listen. And give me a hug. Which I badly need right now. I know, all my friends have good intentions for me. Even the ones I know only virtually, but it takes loads of courage for me to get talking. It doesn't come easy to me.

One of these days, I will face my fears, and get that courage. I hope I find that friend soon.

The Letter

I don't remember the last time I got a handwritten letter delivered to my home. The only letters that come home addressed to me are either my admit cards for exams or some random bank related documents. I don't remember the last time I held a letter in my hand, in anticipation of what might be written in the letter.

I love surprises. Maybe I am romantically filmy at times or I live in a part-imaginary world. And I am forever hopeful that someday, a wonderful surprise will come my way. I'm fascinated by the very thought that the contents of the letter may make me incredibly happy, or they may be just mundane updates, but the fact that someone has taken time out to write a letter and address them to me, makes even such boring updates special.

In fact, times have come where i'd rather text someone, unless it is absolutely necessary to call and talk. I'm not blaming anyone here. I'm mostly a loner in real life, though I love company and I crave for friends. I'm still a loner, with very few friends. Also, letter writing for most of them was the 7-10 marks question in English exam. Once school and college is over, no one wrote the letters.

And then there are emails. But there was a time I wrote long emails in great details. To my sister who was in US. Between 2000 and 2003. Long, long emails with painful details of what has been going on in the house, the relative gossip, the new pranks I've played on grandmother, the new ways dad has found to irritate me, or how mum reacts to the crappy soaps she has recently discovered. But then, even they stopped once she returned.

I can almost imagine how an envelop will feel in my hands, with my name and my address written on it, not sure what the contents would be. The smell of paper, the way words are written, does the person cut the 't' properly? how does he write his 'g' and his 'a'? does he write print or in pretty cursive writing? how am i addressed? Dear? how does the letter end? with love? lots of love? love and hugs? hugs and kisses? forever yours?

I would love to receive letters.

Maybe I should start by sending out one :-)

Lots of love,

Me

Where are you?

How do you know when you meet the one?

Suddenly people around me are getting married. It's like some kind of epidemic. Just sometime back we were all in school, no? No. That was a long time back.

Some are marrying/have married their childhood sweethearts, while a lot of others are going the arranged marriage way. I am neither for or against any set up. Each has its own pluses and minuses, and like everything else in life, you just get lucky at times.

I've not met any prospective 'groom' in an arranged marriage set up. Also, my parents are a bit clueless on how to go about finding someone who might be interested in getting married to me :P so that is totally an unknown path. But then, I've heard some stories about such setups. Not all are pleasant. "So what are your hobbies?" they ask. Jhakh maarna is my hobby, i'd answer. I mean, to these standard questions, I, on a personal level, have no standard answer. There are a few things I like to do, and some things which I would like to do, but they are so generic. Who doesn't like reading?

And then, 'can you cook?' thoughts, chemistry - all that is important, no? cooking is not something that cannot be learnt. Also, would the guy feel offended if i ask back, 'yes, i can, can you?' Not being a "feminist" here, but hey, i'm kind of romantic that way. I'd love it if the guy would cook a special meal for me sometime. So, yes, just the way, you could learn, so can i. Now, talking like this, if i were on a first matrimonial date, i would scare the guy off.

So respect to all those girls who've been through the grind.

On the same, yet different note, I think I have this awesome ability to make guys feel nervous. I sometimes freak them out. Of course, I tell them it's their loss and not mine, but then, it leaves me wondering, what the fuck did I do wrong? Oh, wait, I know, they were the wrong guys!

Ah, well. So the other day, there was a small discussion on the twitter timeline about how do you know when you meet the one. I said, you'd know. Now, that's a very vague answer to begin with. I've had the "I know he is the one" feeling sometimes, and was I wrong or what! And I know all about destiny and right time, right place thing. Just wish sometimes, when I am in that weak moment, that there was someone around, to tell me that things will be okay. That one hug while I just cling on to him and he holds me back. Yes.

So yes, I do feel lonely at times, and these days more so because well, my friends are all busy with their lives, either moving, getting married or having babies.

It's almost at that danger level where I'd cling on to anyone who'd be nice to me. of course, better sense prevails most of the times :-)

Anyway, whoever he is, in the words of Bridget Jones, I hope he is not "alcoholic, workaholic, commitment phobic, peeping tom, megalomaniac, emotional fuckwit or pervert."