The other day I realised my calculator has gone missing. Whattodo, whattodo.
I dial a number.
"Hello? CID?"
Immediately, the doorbell rings. They're fast that way.
ACP Pradyuman: Aapne aakhri baar apna calculator kab dekha tha?
Me: Yaad nahin.
ACP: Socho, Daya, err.. Nirwa, socho.
Me: (with sweat beads on my forehead) shayad.. last time may mein exam dete waqt dekha tha. shayad use bhi kiya tha.
ACP: Is ghar, aur ghar ke aas paas ka saara ilaka chhan maaro. Abhijeet, pata lagao, har jagah puchhtaachh karo. Ho na ho, woh calculator idhar hi kahin hai. Aur Daya, kuch bhi ho jaaye, goli matt chalana.
(in the mean time, the entire team puts on cotton white hand gloves. this is done so that they do not contaminate the crime scene, but of course, cotton gloves are perfect when it comes to not messing with evidence.)
Sr. Inspector Abhijeet: What is this? (holding up today's newspaper in his hands)
Me: Err.. Newspaper?
Sr. Inspector Abhijeet puts the newspaper in evidence bag and sends it across to the forensic lab.
Cut to forensic lab where Dr. Salunkhe is having purple, pink, turquoise and yellow coloured liquid bubbling in various glass containers. He's examining the newspaper and also tries to extract fingerprints from that.
Sr. Inspector Daya: Sir, koi suraag mila?
Dr. Salunkhe: Mila nahin, milk.
Sr. Inspector Daya: Milk?
Dr. Salunkhe: Haan, Daya, milk.
Sr. Inspector Daya: Lekin newspaper pe milk kya kar raha tha?
Dr. Salunkhe: Mujhe iss newspaper par se doodh mein jo chemicals hote hai, woh mile hai.
Fredricks: Shayad kisine cake khane ke baad yeh newspaper chhua hoga.
Sr. Inspector Abhijeet: Ya phir kisine doodh ubalte ubalte yeh paper chhua hoga
Sr. Inspector Daya: Ya phir koi chai bana raha hoga, ya hogi.
Cut to my home where the entire CID team is interrogating me and my Dad.
ACP Pradyuman: Iss newspaper pe doodh kaise aaya?
Dad: woh doodhwala bewakoof hai. Newspaper pe doodh ki theli rakh ke chala gaya.
Somewhere, Fredricks is trying to open a cabinet in my studyroom.
ACP: DAYA, DARWAZA TOD DO.
Me: Nahinnn, it's a glass cabinet, push the glass, and the magnet will release itself. stop. stop. dont break it!
(I go and open the cabinet for him. i notice he has crazy eyes and decide to stay away from him)
Freddie finds an empty ballpen refill in the cabinet.
ACP Pradyuman: Daya, Abhijeet, jao, jaa ke dekho yeh pen ki refill kahan banayi gayi thi, aur yeh pen kisne kharidi thi.
Me: But..
(everyone storms out of the house without listening)
Cut to a factory which manufactures ballpen refills. Don't ask me how but the CID team manages to find the exact batch when this refill was manufactured and who was the wholesaler, the retailer and ultimately, the consumer, Me. Of course, I had purchased the ball pen refill some eons ago. Like other stationery items I had. But this particular evidence didn't lead them anywhere.
Cut to my home.
The mother has returned after spending a day with her sister, oblivious to the entire CID team visit.
Mother: what is all this?
ACP Pradyuman: Dekhi, aap shaant ho jaiye, baith jaiye please (i know, its a meira kumar line, couldn't resist)
Me: Mom, my calculator is missing, and CID team is helping me find it.
The mother walks coolly to my room, and magically, like Jaadugar K. Laal, puts her hand in the bag i took during exams and along with the question papers, out comes the calculator.
ACP takes the calculator from the mother's hand and slaps it hard.
Cut to the CID bureau. ACP looks menacingly at the calculator and says the golden words, 'kho gaya tha? ab jail mein baith apne aap pe ginti karte rehna, dino ki, phaansi ka order aane tak.'
I dial a number.
"Hello? CID?"
Immediately, the doorbell rings. They're fast that way.
ACP Pradyuman: Aapne aakhri baar apna calculator kab dekha tha?
Me: Yaad nahin.
ACP: Socho, Daya, err.. Nirwa, socho.
Me: (with sweat beads on my forehead) shayad.. last time may mein exam dete waqt dekha tha. shayad use bhi kiya tha.
ACP: Is ghar, aur ghar ke aas paas ka saara ilaka chhan maaro. Abhijeet, pata lagao, har jagah puchhtaachh karo. Ho na ho, woh calculator idhar hi kahin hai. Aur Daya, kuch bhi ho jaaye, goli matt chalana.
(in the mean time, the entire team puts on cotton white hand gloves. this is done so that they do not contaminate the crime scene, but of course, cotton gloves are perfect when it comes to not messing with evidence.)
Sr. Inspector Abhijeet: What is this? (holding up today's newspaper in his hands)
Me: Err.. Newspaper?
Sr. Inspector Abhijeet puts the newspaper in evidence bag and sends it across to the forensic lab.
Cut to forensic lab where Dr. Salunkhe is having purple, pink, turquoise and yellow coloured liquid bubbling in various glass containers. He's examining the newspaper and also tries to extract fingerprints from that.
Sr. Inspector Daya: Sir, koi suraag mila?
Dr. Salunkhe: Mila nahin, milk.
Sr. Inspector Daya: Milk?
Dr. Salunkhe: Haan, Daya, milk.
Sr. Inspector Daya: Lekin newspaper pe milk kya kar raha tha?
Dr. Salunkhe: Mujhe iss newspaper par se doodh mein jo chemicals hote hai, woh mile hai.
Fredricks: Shayad kisine cake khane ke baad yeh newspaper chhua hoga.
Sr. Inspector Abhijeet: Ya phir kisine doodh ubalte ubalte yeh paper chhua hoga
Sr. Inspector Daya: Ya phir koi chai bana raha hoga, ya hogi.
Cut to my home where the entire CID team is interrogating me and my Dad.
ACP Pradyuman: Iss newspaper pe doodh kaise aaya?
Dad: woh doodhwala bewakoof hai. Newspaper pe doodh ki theli rakh ke chala gaya.
Somewhere, Fredricks is trying to open a cabinet in my studyroom.
ACP: DAYA, DARWAZA TOD DO.
Me: Nahinnn, it's a glass cabinet, push the glass, and the magnet will release itself. stop. stop. dont break it!
(I go and open the cabinet for him. i notice he has crazy eyes and decide to stay away from him)
Freddie finds an empty ballpen refill in the cabinet.
ACP Pradyuman: Daya, Abhijeet, jao, jaa ke dekho yeh pen ki refill kahan banayi gayi thi, aur yeh pen kisne kharidi thi.
Me: But..
(everyone storms out of the house without listening)
Cut to a factory which manufactures ballpen refills. Don't ask me how but the CID team manages to find the exact batch when this refill was manufactured and who was the wholesaler, the retailer and ultimately, the consumer, Me. Of course, I had purchased the ball pen refill some eons ago. Like other stationery items I had. But this particular evidence didn't lead them anywhere.
Cut to my home.
The mother has returned after spending a day with her sister, oblivious to the entire CID team visit.
Mother: what is all this?
ACP Pradyuman: Dekhi, aap shaant ho jaiye, baith jaiye please (i know, its a meira kumar line, couldn't resist)
Me: Mom, my calculator is missing, and CID team is helping me find it.
The mother walks coolly to my room, and magically, like Jaadugar K. Laal, puts her hand in the bag i took during exams and along with the question papers, out comes the calculator.
ACP takes the calculator from the mother's hand and slaps it hard.
Cut to the CID bureau. ACP looks menacingly at the calculator and says the golden words, 'kho gaya tha? ab jail mein baith apne aap pe ginti karte rehna, dino ki, phaansi ka order aane tak.'
9 comments:
Hilarious!
You are going to be writer of next 531 episodes of CID.
Kya kaha? Maine kaise jaana?
Writer kitna bhi bada ho, koi na koi suraag zaroor chhor jaata hai.
bestest.. :D
Toooo toooo toooo goood!! :) :) super like!
Hillllarous
i agree with shiv, is comedy ke zamne mey new serial should be titled 'CID desh ki khoi hui hasi ke talash mey'
@ JAI JAI SHIV SHANKAR!
:D yea, #commentlikeRIS
Thank you :D aap toh Dr. Salunkhe se bhi zyada smart nikle! hehe
@ Satish
:D arre, thank you! long time! kaisa hai?!
@ Bubblegum
:D Thank you! :D
@ Bishoyi
Thanks! :)
@ Ravin
Thank you :)
Upto penultimate scene - Too good!! Ending - not at par.
Would like to read more! Indeed u r a genius.
Meira Kumar line was funny :D
EPIC! Read this during a meeting - I was dozing off and making a fool of myself - by the time I reached the end, I was giggling and making a fool of myself. Which is far better, of course! :)
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