ZOMG! I AM GOD!

Now, till I declare myself as God (shh, there is still time for that), for all practical purposes, I am a human being.  And as a human being, my body is bound to have minor ailments.

One of the most common ailments is headache.  Now, the medical expert in me (lulz) tells me that it is because of cold (yea, have this cold thing since childhood) but despite that I like to Google symptoms, since I don't visit the family doctor, mostly because he doesn't think I'm ill. :(

Now, few years back, I discovered the scariest place on the internet.  WebMD.  At first I was amused and fascinated on how many ailments exist in the world and said a little prayer that I don't suffer from them.  But then, I discovered the Symptom Checker.

Every time I get headache, it is usually accompanied with pain in the neck, or back or sometimes pain in the right profile of my face.  Pop in one combiflam and I'm as good as new.  But then, the first time I entered the symptoms, one of the diagnosis that came up was. Paralysis stroke. :|

Enough to scare me at 3 am and leading me to a sleepless night. Or nights.

But then, it kind of became an addiction of sorts.  Just knowing the worst possible scenario and how that I'm not dying immediately gave me a thrill in a way. (shhh, I don't need to see a shrink, not yet)

And then, since past few days, I was having a pain in the right side on the ribs (i think - i am not that great a medical expert, ok?)  It would pain a little every time I'd yawn or take a deep breath.  According to WebMD, I may have fractured a rib, and might be bleeding internally.  In fact, I think (I'm very intuitive that way) I have pulled a muscle while stretching myself, and I think I'm just gonna spray some relispray and sleep well and wake up feeling as good as new. (yeah, my favourite phrase these days is as good as new. ok, not these days, just for this post)

In the mean time, I insist WebMD comes with a warning of sorts, that the diagnosis is not for the faint hearted, because if they are to be believed, I have already died. Twice.

PS: ZOMG. Just realised this is my 100th post! ZOMG. HUGS TO ALL!

Story of my life

Dad : So, what are Her Highness' plans for the day?

Mom : I will be cleaning the cupboards and arranging them - both father and daughter have junk in place of clothes - full of clothes you don't wear. One of these days, I will throw them away.

Dad : Very interesting, but I was asking the "Other" Her Highness.

Me : Ah, nothing much, I am giving you the list of books which I require, and I am going to study.

Dad : For how many minutes?

Me : What do you mean minutes?

Dad : Back in 2001, on that one warm afternoon in March, I saw you study for 1 hour. That was the longest you ever sat to study.

Me : What.. you don't trust me?

Dad : It's not that I don't trust you, I just trust your laziness even more!

Me : Pbbbbt.

Dad : Beta, please, get serious. Life isn't all play. At this pace, you will become a chartered accountant and a senior citizen at the same time!

The case of a missing calculator

The other day I realised my calculator has gone missing. Whattodo, whattodo.

I dial a number.

"Hello? CID?"

Immediately, the doorbell rings. They're fast that way.

ACP Pradyuman: Aapne aakhri baar apna calculator kab dekha tha?

Me: Yaad nahin.

ACP: Socho, Daya, err.. Nirwa, socho.

Me: (with sweat beads on my forehead) shayad.. last time may mein exam dete waqt dekha tha. shayad use bhi kiya tha.

ACP: Is ghar, aur ghar ke aas paas ka saara ilaka chhan maaro. Abhijeet, pata lagao, har jagah puchhtaachh karo. Ho na ho, woh calculator idhar hi kahin hai. Aur Daya, kuch bhi ho jaaye, goli matt chalana.

(in the mean time, the entire team puts on cotton white hand gloves. this is done so that they do not contaminate the crime scene, but of course, cotton gloves are perfect when it comes to not messing with evidence.)

Sr. Inspector Abhijeet: What is this? (holding up today's newspaper in his hands)

Me: Err.. Newspaper?

Sr. Inspector Abhijeet puts the newspaper in evidence bag and sends it across to the forensic lab.

Cut to forensic lab where Dr. Salunkhe is having purple, pink, turquoise and yellow coloured liquid bubbling in various glass containers. He's examining the newspaper and also tries to extract fingerprints from that.

Sr. Inspector Daya: Sir, koi suraag mila?

Dr. Salunkhe: Mila nahin, milk.

Sr. Inspector Daya: Milk?

Dr. Salunkhe: Haan, Daya, milk.

Sr. Inspector Daya: Lekin newspaper pe milk kya kar raha tha?

Dr. Salunkhe: Mujhe iss newspaper par se doodh mein jo chemicals hote hai, woh mile hai.

Fredricks: Shayad kisine cake khane ke baad yeh newspaper chhua hoga.

Sr. Inspector Abhijeet: Ya phir kisine doodh ubalte ubalte yeh paper chhua hoga

Sr. Inspector Daya: Ya phir koi chai bana raha hoga, ya hogi.

Cut to my home where the entire CID team is interrogating me and my Dad.

ACP Pradyuman: Iss newspaper pe doodh kaise aaya?

Dad: woh doodhwala bewakoof hai. Newspaper pe doodh ki theli rakh ke chala gaya.

Somewhere, Fredricks is trying to open a cabinet in my studyroom.

ACP: DAYA, DARWAZA TOD DO.

Me: Nahinnn, it's a glass cabinet, push the glass, and the magnet will release itself. stop. stop. dont break it!

(I go and open the cabinet for him. i notice he has crazy eyes and decide to stay away from him)

Freddie finds an empty ballpen refill in the cabinet.

ACP Pradyuman: Daya, Abhijeet, jao, jaa ke dekho yeh pen ki refill kahan banayi gayi thi, aur yeh pen kisne kharidi thi.

Me: But..

(everyone storms out of the house without listening)

Cut to a factory which manufactures ballpen refills. Don't ask me how but the CID team manages to find the exact batch when this refill was manufactured and who was the wholesaler, the retailer and ultimately, the consumer, Me. Of course, I had purchased the ball pen refill some eons ago. Like other stationery items I had. But this particular evidence didn't lead them anywhere.

Cut to my home.

The mother has returned after spending a day with her sister, oblivious to the entire CID team visit.

Mother: what is all this?

ACP Pradyuman: Dekhi, aap shaant ho jaiye, baith jaiye please (i know, its a meira kumar line, couldn't resist)

Me: Mom, my calculator is missing, and CID team is helping me find it.

The mother walks coolly to my room, and magically, like Jaadugar K. Laal, puts her hand in the bag i took during exams and along with the question papers, out comes the calculator.

ACP takes the calculator from the mother's hand and slaps it hard.

Cut to the CID bureau. ACP looks menacingly at the calculator and says the golden words, 'kho gaya tha? ab jail mein baith apne aap pe ginti karte rehna, dino ki, phaansi ka order aane tak.'

What if Osama was in India?

India is a powerful country.

What if Osama was hiding in India and/or captured here?

1. CID team, led by ACP Pradyuman would've been called for where he would've ordered Daya to break open the door and one tight slap to Osama and he would've started talking like a piano. Of course, because of so many clones around, to check if he is the real Osama, his DNA testing would've been carried out in Dr. Salunkhe's forensic lab, where fuchsia, green, blue, purple and yellow liquids would've been poured in random test tubes and Salunkhe will declare, "Mhaaii Gawd, yeh toh Osama ki laash hai".

2. Random calculations, like how long has it been since the death of Sathya Sai Baba, Prince Williams's wedding and how far these two venues were located from the place Osama was killed. Immediately, Astro uncle would be called to give his wise inputs and he will talk about the positions of the stars. Perhaps also predict where will Osama next take birth, and as who? You never know, in his next birth, he could be the POTUS :P

3. Aishwarya Rai, Priyanka Chopra, Bipasha Basu, Katrina Kaif would be interviewed and their views on Osama would be displayed. What.. if they can have an opinion on the Finance Bill every year, why not Osama?

4. India TV will call Veena Mallik and Rakhi Sawant and they will give their expert views. Rakhi Sawant will be jealous cos she only had 25 fools to choose for the swayamvar, while Osama will have 72 virgins. Shit. She immediately declares a second swayamvar and asks Arnab Goswami to marry her. Which brings me to Arnab Goswami.

5. Arnab Goswami. He would take credit of killing Osama because the only tv channel Osama inc subscribed to was Times Now. #TrueStory

6. Narendra Modi. There could be two situations here, Osama was in Gujarat and killed, in which case, Modi would've paved himself his road for 2014 elections as someone who managed to capture and kill the elusive terrorist. Second situation where Osama was killed in other part of congress run India.. umm.. something tells me he would've praised the army/navy/airforce/police for their feat, and ridiculed people like Digvijay Singh, who're perpetually hallucinating. (no, seriously, what's wrong with him?)

7. Ram Gopal Varma would've visited the site with an intention to make a movie on the same. Kanti Shah would've already directed and released the movie called, Maut Dharti Pe, Honeymoon Narak Mein, or Gunda part 2.

8. Rajat Sharma would've held a Janta Ki Adalat episode with Osama's ghost, and asked him various questions on behalf of Janta, including, but not limited to, "Rakhi Sawant ka kehna hai ki aapne usse pappi li thi, kya yeh baat sach hai?, Kya yeh sab aapne 72 virgins ki laalach mein kiya hai? Agar aapko Dolly Bindra ke saath Bigg Boss ke ghar mein rakhne ki offer aaye, toh kya aap usko sweekar karenge?"

9. The people are happy, but they still don't go about getting drunk on streets, partying for a week.. it's not that we've won the cricket world cup, its just one terrorist dead, albeit under suspicious circumstances! We didn't get to see it live, so it doesnt impress us much!

10. Last but not the least, in case he would've been captured alive, well, Ram Jethmalani would've had the case of his lifetime, and Osama and Kasav would be roomies! India would wait forever for evidence.. and well, one plane hijack and there goes osama with kasav! :p

But, then, he was found in the supremely innocent state called Pakistan! aww, poor guys had no clue he was hiding there! I'm sure, they are still waiting for evidence suggesting Osama was indeed in Pakistan!

Godman for Dummies

The first time my impressionable young mind got know what a godman is, was when I first visited the Akshardham temple in Gandhingar. Till then, only Ram and Krishna and Shiv and all those dudes were the gods. Suddenly, I saw people praying to humanoids claiming to be avatar of gods.

Intriguing.

We learnt lessons in school on how God resides in all of us, including humans and plants and animals, and how if you hurt/kill any of them, you end up hurting God, and getting closer to your residence in hell. Well, these guys obviously took those lessons way too seriously and started claiming themselves as gods.

And if you have a look at the assets of these human-gods, you'll be amazed at the vast fortune they've accumulated in such a short span! perhaps, they *are* gods!

Sometime back, there was this man duping people in Ahmedabad and Gujarat.. he was claiming to be some mataji (yea, we gujjus are quite creative, most male godmen are reincarnated avatars of male gods, this one was a female god!).. he used to wear tiaras and go about blessing people and people were so astounded by his godliness they started giving him their hard earned money and other jewellery cos the male mataji had promised to multiply their wealth. Of course, he was caught and is perhaps in Sabarmati jail frying bhajiyas for the janta of Ahmedabad. The jailhouse rocks, eh?

Anyway, so when these news were the front page news in the city, I had made up my mind to become a godman too. I mean, how hard could it be?

First thing you got to do to become a godman is decide which god's reincarnated form you're going to be? If you think you don't want to spend the rest of your human-god life in some other god's shadow, perhaps you can start a new religion. Become a new god yourself. While there are some few crore gods already, one more to it wont skew the ratio! Plus, Hinduism as a religion tolerates, and in so many ways encourages new gods coming up, so that the original gods strive for efficiency. I digress. So, first thing you got to do to become a godman is select a god.

Then you go about travelling. Wear white/saffron coloured clothes, rudraksh mala, some marks on your forehead, grow a beard and don't get a haircut. Of course, if you are a woman, you can't physically grow a beard, so if you're a woman, you may choose to going makeupless and also ditch marofy your monthly waxing and eyebrow trimming ordeal. Before you go to a city, you send your PR person there and get huge hoardings and also display your "darshan" timings. That way, people will come to the gathering out of curiosity - and the disillusioned people, duped by previous babas, will have their faith instilled again in one new godman. Of course, you should not feel guilty for "playing with gullible people's emotions", they asked for it the moment they started believing in you.

Have an innovative way of giving away prasads. A hug is already taken, maybe you should try giving a kiss? But then, be sure that you don't go overboard with it - sexual abuse allegations against godmen aren't uncommon! Claim your celibacy and refute all these allegations. They are out to get you cos of your charitable work.

Yoga is the in thing. Even if you can't cure your involuntary eye movements, lay claims that you can cure homosexuality - that is going to get you publicity. When you are at the peak, enter into politics. Also host tv shows with hotties like rakhi sawant and teach her bharatiya sabhyata ke lessons.

Income tax can go take a dive, learn magic tricks on how to materialise gold out of thin air.

Whenever an allegation is made that you exploit and sexually abuse young boys and girls and not so young boys and girls, condemn these allegations and blame the 'foreign hand'. Oh, wait, that's what the prime minister and home minister do - as a godman, you are not expected to give explanations!

And last but not the least, give one tight slap to all those who think you are actually an avatar of some god.

ps - no offence meant, to each his own religious views, but on a personal level, i feel no human being is superior to another, and vyakti puja is something i cannot get myself to believe in.

The Divine Hug

I am not sure if I am a hug person. I mean, I do find hugs quite comforting, especially when they come at a time I am low and desperately need a shoulder to cry on. In fact, there are times when I wish there was this one person I could cling on and cry and all he would do is hold me in a big bear hug and let me cry, without asking questions.

It is that emotional moment when a hug can make you feel that everything will be all right. And even when things are not great, you know you have someone around, who's there, just in case things are falling apart.

Having said that, I don't quite like the thought of hugging every person I meet. In fact, not just hugging, I'm also not comfortable with shaking hands with random people, especially when the person doesn't give me good vibes. And yes, I am highly perceptive, and I get good/bad vibes from people, and I know I hate the person the moment he/she enters the room and has not even spoken a word. Some people might call it prejudice, but hey, just because i'm more perceptive than most of you mortals, it doesn't mean i'm prejudiced. my antennas are tuned better than yours.

Which brings me to mata amritanandmayi devi and her hugs. Now, with all due offence, i'm not a huge fan of all these self proclaimed divine beings. I'm not sure if I believe in God, though I find the concept of God quite fascinating, and I do like the idea of having a supreme being in control of us. But all these saadhus and matas who claim to be having all these divinity and healing powers, are complete bakwas, in my awesome opinion. (my opinions are not humble)

These people thrive on the gullibility of naive people who fall for the trap. One might argue that if having such people around can comfort a disturbed person and help make world a better place to live in, why should i hold it against them? Well, to begin with, it's more like playing with someone's emotions and feelings, and secondly, it is not quite helping the cause of all these superstitious beliefs that have deep roots in the country. These guys just encourage more fraud people to come up claiming divine power.

Also, I'm not sure how something as personal and emotional as a hug, be given out as prasad/ashirwad by her? I mean, all correct about hugging spreading the positivity, but dude, these divine hugs theory is just beyond me. Maybe I should hug her to see if I get divine intervention? :P Or maybe I should ask her if she has had anyone feeling her up/getting too cosy while hugging? :P :P

And if it does work, maybe I could call myself a mata and go about hugging people! Hey, i'm all for making this world a better place to be in.. !

The Big Fight.

So the Big O arrives in India, and the media is going berserk. I am surprised how come no one has roped in Manish Malhotra for his expert comment on Michelle Obama's outfit.

So the Awesome Reporters Inc., got together to have a question-answer-hallucination session with the Obamas. Here is an excerpt of the same.

Oh, and riding on the success wave of CWG goofups, Suresh Kalmadi was roped in to welcome Obama and Awesome Reporters.

Zuresh Kalmadi : Once upon a time, there was a man named Christopher Columbus. He set sail to discover the awesome place called India, but ended up on the other side of teh world, and called it America. After hundreds of years of that eventful day, two people (along with thousands of security guards) have managed to cross the saat samundars and reach the land called India. Finally.

Today, on the pious occasion of Diwali, let me welcome the foreign phataka (smiles suggestively at Michelle) and his husband, Frock Obama. It gives me great pleasure to welcome them to the country which has rich politicians err.. culture.

With the peaceful couple, we also have the reporters from the various news channel who are very keen on asking questions to the couple, but have been slapped with restraining orders because of their awesomeness. We have with us, Rajat Sharma, Barkha Dutt, Rajdeep Sardesai and the one and only Astro Uncle.

(yells)I declare the games open.

Razat Sharma (RS) : Obamaji, aaj aap pehli baar bharatiya shauchalay mein gaye the, aap kaisa mehsus kar rahe hai?

Obama : Meh-who?

Just then, a crazy man looking like a cross between a walrus and a lizard comes running. His hair are all disheveled and one side of his glasses are broken and stuck together with a tape. He snatches the microphone from Obama and runs around the room shouting, "is mic pe sirf mera haqq hai".

Bharka Dutt (BD) : Security, please come and get Arnab, he is having one of his attacks. (to Obama) we've just checked him into the i-can't-stop-speaking rehab and he keeps running away. And you don't need to answer RS's questions - imagine, Rakhi Sawant once asked him to marry her. No one, not even himself takes him seriously. So, here I come to the question I am itching to ask you, how does your visit to India is going to affect the suicidal farmers in Vidarbha? Do you know how mumbai and delhi are cleaned up for your visit? Do you realise how the common man is deprived of his fun and frolic on Diwali because of you - it was because of YOUR visit that the fire crackers are banned - it's Diwali, the festival of light, and Mumbai is in a state of darkness only because YOU are here? Why couldn't you choose the next weekend? Or, was it because you wanted to prove a point on how powerful you are to shut down the celebrations of the most loved festival of the secular nation? Why did you not choose to come down during Christmas or Eid? Oh, adn you know, Suresh Kalmadi anagrams as Sir U Made Lakhs? *smirks*

Raj-dip Sardesai (RS2) : (to himself) sigh, why do you think I left the frigging news channel? She can drive anyone up the walls by questions that make no sense.

Obama : (looks around nervously)

Suresh Kalmadi : That's another Gold for India. I congratulate the organising committee. Next question please.

RS2 : Welcome to India, Mr. President.

Obama : (looking relieved that he finally got a chance to speak to a non-crazy person) Thank you. And Err.. Happy Diwali?

RS2 : Happy Diwali to you too. What are your views on news papers printing Mahendra Singh Dhoni and his wife splashing around in a beach? Is that invasion of privacy by media? Please watch out one hour debate on how intrusive media is. But we would like to know your views too.

BD : (to herself) why do you think we kicked him out? heh heh. That is not invasion of privacy. That is journalism. Invasion of privacy is when you ask an ex minister of state whether he has a girlfriend. (ref Shashi Tharoor)

Astro Uncle : jis waqt aapka plane land hua bharat mein, us waqt sitaron ki jo position thi, usse aapko bahaut hi labh hoga. Aapke sitare kehte hai ki aap ko yahan bahaut gyaan milne wala hai, aur yeh aapka nazaria badal dega.

Obama looks around the hall hoping against hopes for some sort of support.

Just then, a voice comes alive.

Bigg boss chahte hai ki Obama aur unki patni, is pagalkhane ka udghatan kare aur apni jaan bacha kar bhaage. Yeh bahaut hi khatarnaak log hai, aur inke saath rehna surakshit nahin.

The bewildered Obama couple run out of the place, and go back home with a different perspective about India. Astro Uncle was right.

How to know you are on Emotional Atyachaar

If you look around, everyone is suddenly talking about relationship, relationship status (its complicated being a very popular relationship status on facebook - most people thing that its cool to be in a relationship which you are not sure of), loyalty and mother of all - 'loyalty test'.

If you have seen the show on bindaas, you will realise that the only thing worse than this show is perhaps Rakhi Ka Insaaf, where her royal foolishness is screaming and shouting and giving insaaf to raddiwala guy whose wife ran away, and where audience chants "Rakhi, Rakhi" whenever she makes a ridiculous remark and laughs to herself. Please youtube the videos.

Anyway, I digress.

So I am talking about Emotional Atyachaar on Bindaas tv. I don't want to get on all personal and privacy issues - like, your relationship is a private thing and how it is foolish to get it telecast on national tv. But, here are the pointers on how you could be on Emotional Atyachaar, either as a 'lead' or as a 'suspect' or as a 'undercover agent'.

How to know you are a lead?

1. You are a delusional girlfriend/boyfriend. Delusional because you *think* you are in a committed relationship with someone you know for past four months and you are friggin 20 year old *AND* you want to get a loyalty test done.

2. You are highly insecure person. Now, if you closely observe the pattern of the leads in their introductional video, you'll see how they always 'i pray that you come out clean' or 'i know you will come out clean, i am doing it to prove everyone wrong'. R-I-G-H-T.

3. You are way far from reality. You actually believe that the guy who takes kasam about his not-yet-born-and-never-will child. And you get all sad and cry your heart out when he talks about teh same not-yet-born-and-never-will child with some random chick. "woh mera bachcha tha" you cry. WTF. It's hard to believe such people exist, but then, i know quite a few people like that in my real life to accept that such people actually do exist. I have a friend who once famously said, "main usko barbaad kar dungi' after her imaginary boyfriend "dumped" her. Anyway, so you get the gist.

How to know you are a suspect?

1. You have a delusional girlfriend/boyfriend. And you are still with her/him because you suffer from tremendous amount of inferiority complex.

2. You suddenly start getting too much attention from the member of the opposite sex. Apparently, you fall for the trap because you are such a fool not to see that the other person is not interested in you. (please watch an episode of Lie to Me to see subtle signs of body language. on seconds thoughts, no, the show is crap) Anyway, so you are so stupid not to doubt the person showering too much attention on you in two days of knowing you and you feel that he/she is smitten by you. Dude, it seems that not just your girlfriend/boyfriend, but even you are delusional.

3. The person showering you too much attention has a friend whose apartment is empty. Or an uncle who has an awesome farmhouse some two hour away from the city. Oh, and you get picked up (in most cases) in a car, which is not driven by the peron. :P You'd be a fool not to notice things like that. Jeez, are people really so stupid?

How to know you are an undercover agent?

Well, there are no pointers for this, but here's the thing. You are an undercover agent if :

1. You are an aspiring model/actor and you are quite ugly. But you are also delusional about you being the prettiest thing to have walked on the face of earth. Jeez, too many delusional people on the show.

2. You are an out of work model/actor and this 30 minutes are your only claim to fame. Next time, you could try for Rakhi/Rahul Mahajan ka swayamvar part 2.

3. You are a reality show contestant yourself, and think that you should be a model/actor.

Jeez. This is such a crap show and the participants are all so full of crap themselves, just goes out to show the maturity level of the current generation. I feel bad for these losers.

On a totally unrelated note, Diwali is here, and as a Diwali gift for myself, I will buy myself a guitar, (after exams) and learn it myself. So the guys who invented guitar, would've learnt to play it themselves too, right? And if I can teach myself the Income Tax laws, I am sure, guitar would be a piece of an awesome cake. :D