Paperback Nightmares

There are two reasons you finish a book in one sitting. 1. It is so gripping that you don't want to sleep before finishing. 2. It is so bad that you want to know how it ends before you sleep so you can wake up and read a better book.

Rahul Saini's Paperback Dreams falls under the second category.  A story about three 'authors', one is a loser, Rohit, because he keeps telling himself that.  He has written a bestseller, and his publisher is cheating him of his money.  Second is Jeet Obiroi, a successful author, who is still basking in the glory of his 'best seller' after 19 months, and still doing book tours, and has a chiseled face, six pack abs and a killer smile.  We know it because Jeet keeps reminding us of his killer smile every time he sees a woman.  And last is a school kid, Karun, who will go to any length to get a book published, because he's so cool and so manipulative for a 16 year old school kid who goes to something called Ting Tong International School.  It's a story of these three guys, all written in first person narrative, on their journeys as a successful authors.

While the synopsis at the back of the book may seem interesting, it doesn't take more than five pages into reading the book that you start cringing.

Jeet describing himself, "They're carrying a big picture of me with my killer smile.." "It's the usual thing - hot chicks check me out whenever I travel."  "It was a good decision to wear this red t-shirt I am wearing today. It highlights my guns and girls love it." "I look at her from the corner of my eye as she catches a glimpse of my six pack."  What. What. What. And these are not even as cringeworthy as a conversation between Jeet and a fellow traveler,

"Do you have a pen?"

A question with a dirty annotation, I like that.

"Of course I have one.  Every man's got to have one," I smile.

 Like, seriously? I had to try very, very hard not to throw up.

And then there is always the quintessential loser, who has a perfect girlfriend, who he whines away to breakup, but she still comes back to her because he is a 'good guy' and he has written a best seller which called "Those Things in Everybody's Life, Big and Small' (and we are supposed to assume that this doesn't have any dirty annotation attached to it, because he doesn't even swear) . No, I'm not giving any spoilers away, because there is nothing like a spoiler.  This book is as predictable as the next Tata Sumo bursting into flames in a Rohit Shetty movie.

And then there is ruthlessly ambitious Karun, who's like an annoying prick, and made me roll my eyes so much that now I can see even from the back of my head.  There is no way I could tell how bad some of the parts of the book were without copying the entire book here.

I'm even more exhausted writing this review than I was reading the book because I just want to forget I ever read this, and cannot wait to read another book because I don't want this to be the last book I read in 2013.

Rahul Saini, it is because of people like you some of us dislike Chetan Bhagat.  Because he pioneered the movement where everyone with Microsoft Word is now a writer.

If despite the review above, you still want to buy the book, please go here.


Book courtesy: Flipkart
Published by: Penguin Metro Reads
Genre: Fiction
Price: Rs. 140 (I wouldn't even give it two phooti kaudis)

The Other Ahmedabad

Two weeks back I was driving home from the railway station. Alone. At 2 am.  A friend and his wife were in transit to Ahmedabad, and I picked them from airport at around 11:30 pm, we had a midnight snack at a hotel near the railway station, and I dropped them to the station.  Railway station is about 15 kms away from my house, and is situated in the "old city" (or 'city') as it is commonly called.  This 'city' falls on the other side of Sabarmati river, the river which divides Ahmedabad.  'City' side is the 'communally sensitive' area and other is the 'urban', 'developed' area.

I was driving on near empty roads, the names of which mostly appear in papers only during the communal riots.  After all, these are the very lanes where large populations of Hindu and Muslim families live.  These are the same roads which have not seen a riot in almost a decade. 

Over a decade back, these are the same roads which would see a curfew during Uttarayan because kite flown by a kid of one community was 'cut' by the kid of another community, and things would snowball rapidly.  And every year after the Rath Yatra and Moharram, newspapers would invariably note how the processions were carried out without any hiccups.  No, not technical, but communal.

This was even before Narendra Modi made his presence felt in Gujarat.  

I have never lived in that 'city'. 

I am a city girl.  I have lived in a gated community.  My house is opposite ISRO, and so, this area has usually had heightened security.  Before 2002, my only memory of riots are from newspapers.  I was too young in 1992/93 to remember what had happened.  But I'm sure it was equally bad.

I do not know the plight of those (Muslims *and* Hindus) displaced by the riots.  I have never lived under an assumed identity, to hide my religion, to save my life.  So maybe I could not understand those who have been through the same.  I have never been asked to shut up because I was vocal about giving an opinion on the current political scenario of the country.

Every once in a while a blog comes up talking about plight of Muslim ghettos in Ahmedabad - in Juhapura.  I have never been to Juhapura.

But I have been to the 'city'.  I have family who lives there.  My mother grew up in one of those 'pols' of the city.  These pols are spread like spider network, and are amazingly intricate.  I would completely get lost without someone to guide me through. 

One such pol I went to has a strong smell of overflowing gutter engulf you.  After a while, it grows on you and you stop getting bothered by it.  There are cows, dogs and pigs running lose, and children defecating on the roads.  Sometimes, you will not be sure if you stepped on an animal or a human excreta.  The houses are at least a century old.  The wood is the only material which is keeping the houses, which are all adjoined, up.  Cement, sand and other parts are falling off.  Streets are filled with rats and houses with cockroaches, because there is no place for them to go.  Drinking water is sometimes of grey colour.  I don't see how is this area any different from the ghetto of Juhapura people talk about.  Oh, wait.  The residents living here do not belong to the 'minority community'.  They are not suppressed.  They are living there out of choice. 

But you live under constant fear of living in a communally sensitive area, because you know, that the moment a riot sparks off in the city, your neighbourhood will be the first target.


This is the same place where during 2002 riots, many, many people were stabbed.  Some dead bodies were put on a lorry and the lorry was pushed through one lane such that it reaches an old temple.

Please note I am not mentioning which religion/community the people stabbed/killed/pushed on lorries belonged to.  Nor am I mentioning the religion/community of the people who killed.  There is absolutely NO justification for violence of any kind.

That night, at 2 am, when I was crossing these roads, I crossed 7 police vans/interceptors on my way to the "familiar" location.  There were no known riots in recent past, and none of the newspapers had mentioned any intelligence input on terror threat.  It maybe safe to assume it was precautionary measure to prevent any untoward incident.

Funny thing is, when I told this to a friend, who is a self proclaimed Modi hater, he said, "Modi must have put it.  Because he is now PM candidate, he does not want any more riots."


I am amazed at the cynicism around me.  It is like anything that happens in Gujarat, and lately India has Modi with an ulterior motive standing tall.

When I read blogs at NYTimes, like this one, I wonder how many people have so much to write about 2002 riots.  How most of these blogs have Muslim plight to show.  How most of these blogs talk about Modi and his divisive politics, but themselves create a divide of religion about their subject.  The above story, in its isolation, could it not have been written without bringing the religion? Is the author trying to imply that the residents of Juhapura are suffering because they are Muslims? As a neutral reader, I thought so.  And it made me angry.  It made me angry because there are a lot of people here who have issues of basic amenities, whether or not they are Muslims.

Honestly, I am tired of reading articles on 2002 riots and Modi.  Mostly because he is made a bigger hero and villain than he really deserves.  And if at all, you *have* to write articles on 2002 riots, please, please please try and keep religion away.  In 2002 riots, people were killed, irrespective of the religion.  For once, let the human life be more important than the religion/faith it followed.

Why would girls like him? He's gay!

A year ago when Mahesh (name changed), a former classmate of mine from school, who I had not seen or talked to in almost 10 years, asked to meet me for the second time in a week to "tell me something important", my heart skipped a beat.

On my way to meet him, I kept praying, "oh, please don't let him tell me he "likes" me".  I was meeting him for the second time after 10 years and "something important" immediately set off the alarms.  Nothing against him.  He's a nice guy, but to put it across without intending to be rude, "not my kind".  I was at a phase where all my friends had moved out of the city (I'm still in the same phase, I really am left with hardly 1/2 friends in the city, who don't meet often) and I didn't want to make it awkward between us by telling him "no", however politely.

The moment of truth had arrived.  As we left the cafe ("I will tell you after we're done with the coffee", he said) he asked, "How would you feel if one of your friends is gay?"

What? What did I just hear? What?

Wait, so he will never have a crush on me? Well, that's a relief.  Really? Oh god, did I just turn him gay?

Jokes apart, I replied, "Well, I don't really know.  To each his own, I guess.  Who am I to judge?"  These were my exact words.

"Why? Are you gay?", I asked.

"Yes."

That came as a shock.  No matter how much you've read about LGBTQ community, when someone you have grown up with tells you he's gay, it shocks you.

It is only when Mahesh, someone I knew personally, came out did I start noticing the undercurrent of homophobia prevalent.  Especially amongst the educated, internet savvy crowd, who think Neil Patrick Harris is awesome, but VJ Andy (one of the contestants on Bigg Boss, and whose sexual orientation is not known to me) is "baaylo" (derogatory Gujarati word for "feminine").

"Why do you have such friends only? Why do you hang out with him so much? Itna kyun pasand hai usko milna? " asked Kavita (name changed).  Of course, gays do not deserve to have friends, because "woh log hote hi aise hai".  "aise kaise?" you ask? Well, I really don't know. 

And then there are the curious ones.  Like the common friend with Mahesh and I, Meena (name changed) who probably hasn't heard of internet and Google, and chooses to ask awkward questions to him, despite not having met him in last 10 years either.  Only because I meet and interact with him often.  Because I distinctly remember Meena being curious on "how can gays satisfy themselves sexually? kitna ganda hota hai. How can a guy kiss a guy?" Erm. Okay, then.

How do you even go about explaining things to them?  And if they have such thoughts, is it even worth it to explain things? Or just let them spend the rest of their lives in blissful ignorance.

Oh, and how can I forget the quip by a male friend, who had known of Mahesh being gay, and I asked him to join Mahesh and me for a coffee that, "Why should I meet him? What if he hits on me?" Um. Okay. 

And I'm not even telling about the homophobes Mahesh keeps encountering on a daily basis.  From getting looked down upon by complete strangers to the parents showing horoscope to astrologers to ask what is wrong with his stars. 

But Mahesh is taking it well.  Which is funny, because growing up, (and I have told this to him too) that of all people, he would be the last person I would expect to stand up against the entire society and fight for himself.  He always came across as a weak and meek person who would cry at the drop of the hat.  Mahesh tells me, "When my dad showed the horoscope to astrologer asking for when the stars will change, I told him, 'what is the point of asking the astrologer when I'll stop being gay especially when the astrologer never managed to tell you before that I am gay'?"  Point well made, Mahesh.

I'm not writing this post to create any sort of awareness or campaign for equal rights or anything.  It is just that it pains me that people could be so insensitive.  For any human being.

So when two of my male cousins were making fun of Andy for allegedly being gay, a cousin asked, "I don't get it, why do girls like him? He's gay." I asked, "But then, so is Neil Patrick Harris, and you are his fan yourself."

"But NPH is awesome.  Andy is gay.  Look at how he crosses his limit in Bigg Boss.  And he is gay." he tried to reason.

I didn't argue.  Not because I agreed, but because you cannot reason with people like that.

And even though I am not a fan of Andy, I still like him.  He is entertaining.  And most importantly, when he realises he committed a mistake, he apologises.

Most men I know don't.

Maybe that is why girls like him. Whether or not he's gay.

Thol - Bird Sanctuary

Relatives.  They are all weird.  There is no escaping them.  So when a cousin messaged the entire "family group" on whatsapp last week, "let us go for a picnic and dinner during Diwali", I was almost sure that the plan will never materialise.  But eventually, plans started to shape.  Only problem is, multiple plans were shaping at the same time.  You have no idea how insane it is to deal with people who have extreme temperaments.  Anyhoo. Without getting into how many times I had to control myself not to yell at people, let me just talk about Thol lake and bird sanctuary.  (ps: I am extremely cool and seldom lose my temper.  It takes tremendous amount of provocation to make me lose my cool.)

There was a convoy of 4 cars and one car killed a bird, a cuckoo, who thought it was a chicken and decided to cross the road.  No, I was not driving that car.  I am a very safe driver.  The same car also almost killed two kites who also thought they were chicken, and one cyclist who thought to save himself from one car, he should ride into another car from other direction.  The point here is, drive carefully on these roads, because even though they are in good shape, animals and people and birds do not follow traffic rules.  Go slow.

Kindly click on image to see if you can spot anything. If you do, leave a comment, Lord Vayu will bless.  This was the first picture I clicked.  We wanted to catch the sunrise at the lake, but everyone else wanted to leave only by 7, and the lake is about 20 kms on the outskirts of the city.  I'd suggest poop well before you leave, mostly because the roads are pretty bad the last 1-2 km stretch.  And you don't really want to poop at the loo there.  You never know which animals inhabit those open door toilets and which one will come and bite you on your behind.  I'm sorry, I just like to give people honest advice about pooping and toilets. 

Moving on.

 Basically, that is the lake. Or as I now call it, Gogaland.  That's the lake.  You can spot birds there, and a lot of migratory birds come there.  A cousin tried to point a pelican to me, but I'm pretty sure those were ducks.   There is a stretch on walkway (uneven) around the lake, which you can walk and try to spot birds.  However, be careful about the thorns.  I have a few scratches on my hands.  A cousin tells me he has spotted flamingos and all also there, but as I said, I only saw ducks.  And while I was sitting on my own, on a log of fallen tree and taking in the beauty of nature, I saw some hooded figure in the water.  I thought it was something, but was not sure.  Few seconds later, the same hooded figure popped up again.  This time I was sure it was a snake.  So I warn people around there there may be snakes in the water.  Cousin confirmed of presence of water snakes in the lake.  But they're harmless.  Okay, then.  But in few minutes, I saw another hooded figure coming out of the water, and few minutes later, it got its entire body out.  IT WAS A FRIGGING DUCK.  So now I was not sure whether I saw a duck or a water snake.

After an hour, I was sitting on another log of fallen tree and I hear a splash nearby.  A FRIGGING SNAKE FELL OFF THE BRANCH IN THE WATER. DUDE. 

Yaar, even if the snakes are nonpoisonous, they are still snakes and they give me the creeps.  After that, I was extremely alert about the surroundings.



4 year old niece was walking too close to the lake where her father, my cousin, tried to warn her by saying, 'beta, udhar mat chalo, udhar goga rehta hai'. 

#FunFact Snakes are called "goga maharaj/goga bapa" by some Gujarati communities who worship snakes.

For reasons unknown to me, I find this incredibly amusing and cackle up every time I think of it.

Point is, be careful, and be alert. You never know when you come across a goga.

 Exotic birds spotted. Almost sure they're crows.

 Dora, the explorer.  4 year old niece. Please note the elephants on her night suit. I want a night suit just like that.  Also, so proud of the fact she's holding binoculars properly.

 I'm such an amazing cameraperson. I clicked this while putting my hTC phone camera on binoculars.  It was blue, and looked like kingfisher.  However, I won't be surprised if it's a stupid domestic sparrow.  But I'm pretty sure its kingfisher.  Maybe he also spotted a goga.

Making noise here is an offense.  Considering how loud our family gets when we laugh, we may have been blacklisted by now.

And we got back an hour back.  And now even though I'm sleepy, I decided to put up this blogpost because I don't want to nap now.

Anyhoo.  Good bye and kiss to all those who have read all the way till the end of this post.

Goga Maharaj will bless.