Yes I Can

:)

So exams are not the barometer to show how awesome I am. But then, clearing one part of the toughest exam of the country (trust me, cracking IITJEE and CAT is *nothing* against the ordeal called chartered accountancy, still not sure why I took up this course) is just an awesome feeling.

It was not my first attempt at CA Final exam. If the three year long internship at Deloitte wasn't grueling enough, CA Final course was enough to make someone suicidal.

So, after a couple of attempts when I got an exemption (it's a complicated process how marks work, just read, don't go into technicalities - not worth the effort :P) in finance paper, I finally decided to take it one group (4 papers) at a time. So this time in May, I took 3 papers (1 subject exempt). For the first time, I stayed up all night for the last exam of law. I think after the exams got over, I was almost hallucinating. Staying up till late (say 3 am) is one thing, and not sleeping for a moment for over 36 hours is another. Especially when there is so much stress and you don't do it on a regular basis.

I got 58 in that paper. It is somehow very heartening. Not that it's a fantastic score. But it's not a borderline score for so much effort you've put in.

For now, seeing the words "PASS" written on my marksheet is super comforting.

I've finally managed to break the vicious cycle.

Yes, I can.

ps - yea, I think I am still hallucinating. Am travelling for work, currently in Coimbatore, leaving for Ooty on 21st, returning back home on Sunday. I feel highly emotional right now. I want to hug my mommy right now.

pps - I've cleared ONE group, and I still have ONE more group before I become a CA, which I will take in November, so I'm almost there :)

I Want

...Peace.

Too much to ask for?

Whats in a name?

Well, that depends on your name.

If your parents have named you Nirwa, then a lot.

So a lot of "new parents" are in search for a unique name for their precious child. Especially when you put up pictures of your "Prince" and "Princess" on Facebook, you must ensure that the name of your child is such that it garners comments like, "nice name!" from people you never wish you'd known.

I digress.

But not so long ago, when a little girl was born in a shady little dingy hospital in the lane of Ahmedabad, the overly joyous parents thought, let's give her a name which just rhymes with her sister's name. It doesn't really have to mean anything, but we'll indulge her by telling her that it is derived from some Sanskrit word. Of course, they said it with such conviction and confidence that the little girl believed them. In fact, she still believes them, and uses similar conviction and confidence to answer awkward questions by strangers, like, 'nice name, what does it mean?'.

But as they say, only those who've experienced it feel the pain.

Well, only when you are named Nirwa, do you understand the feeling when you get addressed as Mr. in all the mails. Its worse because your name is not even a unisex name, where you could give the benefit of doubt if the person has never heard your voice. (again, there are some girls who have manly voice and vice versa, so it'd be a lost case then.. ) So yes, I do get addressed as Mr. in a lot of mails.

And not just Mr. Nirav Mehta, but as Mr. NIRWA Mehta. I mean, really.

And then, there is the spelling. So, even when you read my name as Nirwa, see it in mail, or if you are writing it down, I spell it out for you.. so, despite all these efforts on my part, how hard is it for you to take down my correct spelling? It is NirWa and not NirVa. Ok?

I'd like to, however, mention that people are quite creative. Among other names that I've been given, some of them are..

NirMa (yea, you have no idea how hard it is being addressed as a detergent soap, i always want to sue my parents for that)

Niwas (hmm.. )

Nirwan (yea, i have no idea what it means, do they mean "nirvana"?)

Nirvana (no points for guessing that)

Niru (now, no offence meant, but I had an English teacher by that name, and never quite liked being called by the same name)

So yea, that's about it - these are the wrong names I've been addressed as.

But then, people who love me, call me Ninu, and they're allowed. :-)

So here is an advice - you may think that there's no big deal about names - but it's always nice to remember their names and address them with their correct names. Just because the other person is too polite to correct you everytime, doesn't mean you annoy the shit out of them. Also, if it's a joke, it just gets stale after sometime. It's not funny, and it's just annoying. I usually start ignoring you then.

Anyway, all that aside, it has finally rained in Ahmedabad. It rained as if God was making up for every hour the temperature here crossed 40 degrees.

:-)

The Zen Approach

Zen essentially means meditating and discovering inner self and generally going on the path of enlightenment. At least that's what I could figure out from whatever wiki article I glimpsed through.

Now, though I'm not exactly going to take that up, I like the ring of the phrase "Zen approach" and so, I'll say that "I'm now going to practice the Zen approach."

So there have been lots of thoughts going on in my mind lately. Though I tend to write and talk about certain things, there are loads of things I don't talk about. It would take me a lot of courage to talk about them, and I always feel that talking about it will not help me in anyway. It is my problem, and only I can find a solution to it. Talking to others, who are not even part of it, will not affect it in anyway. Though when it comes to giving gyaan, I happily tell whoever cares to listen that talking about your problems will help you overcome them. In fact, I even lend an ear and give some super solutions to such problems too.

But my thoughts, my emotions and my feelings are closely guarded secrets. I'd say, only one person has been able to get a partial glimpse of it, and perhaps that was also one of my weak moments. No matter how strong you are, everyone has the tolerance threshold. So I broke down.

Anyway, coming back to the point, as I said, practicing the Zen approach. I've decided I'm going to stop worrying about things, about people and try too hard to make certain things happen.

There are certain things I desperately want to happen. I feel very strongly that these are the right things to happen, and if you want to live your life, you must do everything you can to make sure things happen the way you want. And why not? Is expecting one's own happiness such a selfish thing? And I have tried to make them happen. Gone out of my way, at times, to ensure that certain events happen the way I wish.

Now, when I think of those events, I feel I've been manipulative. How I acted like 'god' and tried to create things. Maybe I was interfering. Which makes me wonder how would have things turned out if I hadn't interfered/intervened. Also, what if my interference was also part of the scheme of the conspiracy of universe? What if.

So now, I've decided I'm going to let things take its own course. Do not interfere in the mysterious ways the universe deals.

If certain things are destined to happen, they will. Let me not spoil my present worrying about uncertain future and trying to make it certain/preplanned.

And I'm not sure about my belief in God. Let's just say, our relationship status is, "it's complicated". So, assuming there is God, let him be the only one who knows the plan, and unfold it as and when He thinks it's fit. Because the more you try to mess with him, the more he will tease you.

Maybe its time I send a friend's request to God. :-)

Que Sera Sera