One of the topic that gets often repeated on my blog is letting go and moving on. Or how I am sometimes holding on, rather, clinging on to a lot of things, that I refuse to move on.
Sometimes, writing about them is like some kind of assertion.
And here I am, once again, writing on similar lines.
It's not that I am not happy. I am. But, there is a void. I will be there for family and friends, when they need me the most. If they want an advice, they'll get one, but more often than not, i am the shoulder they cry on. It doesn't mean I don't get affected. I cannot detach myself completely from the people I love. If something is bothering them, it bothers me. They might feel lighter after pouring their heart out, but then, I am the one who has taken it all in. I feel pulled down by all the weight of their thoughts and feelings.
Maybe it's all my fault. They didn't ask me to take their problems to heart. But I am that way. I sense someone is upset over something, and they might need an outlet, I just have to be there. Probably an unresolved childhood issue to be that one important person who listens.
But then, on the other hand, I find it difficult to express my thoughts. I feel, if I am hurt, or something is bothering me, only I can deal with it. No one else has been in the position that I've been in, because it could be, at the most, a similar position, not the same. Only I can deal with my issues, and no one else. Also, I feel it would be wrong for me to get anyone else to be part of my problems.
There is so much bottled up, and there are so many issues with me, that I do not trust the other person to look at me objectively and empathise. I don't want to hear, 'it's okay, life hai, khush raha kar, don't bother'. no. i know, it all. theory sab pata hai.
I think, I just need that one friend. One friend who would not judge me. And listen. Just listen. And give me a hug. Which I badly need right now. I know, all my friends have good intentions for me. Even the ones I know only virtually, but it takes loads of courage for me to get talking. It doesn't come easy to me.
One of these days, I will face my fears, and get that courage. I hope I find that friend soon.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
The Letter
I don't remember the last time I got a handwritten letter delivered to my home. The only letters that come home addressed to me are either my admit cards for exams or some random bank related documents. I don't remember the last time I held a letter in my hand, in anticipation of what might be written in the letter.
I love surprises. Maybe I am romantically filmy at times or I live in a part-imaginary world. And I am forever hopeful that someday, a wonderful surprise will come my way. I'm fascinated by the very thought that the contents of the letter may make me incredibly happy, or they may be just mundane updates, but the fact that someone has taken time out to write a letter and address them to me, makes even such boring updates special.
And then there are emails. But there was a time I wrote long emails in great details. To my sister who was in US. Between 2000 and 2003. Long, long emails with painful details of what has been going on in the house, the relative gossip, the new pranks I've played on grandmother, the new ways dad has found to irritate me, or how mum reacts to the crappy soaps she has recently discovered. But then, even they stopped once she returned.
I can almost imagine how an envelop will feel in my hands, with my name and my address written on it, not sure what the contents would be. The smell of paper, the way words are written, does the person cut the 't' properly? how does he write his 'g' and his 'a'? does he write print or in pretty cursive writing? how am i addressed? Dear? how does the letter end? with love? lots of love? love and hugs? hugs and kisses? forever yours?
I would love to receive letters.
Maybe I should start by sending out one :-)
Lots of love,
Me
Monday, October 3, 2011
Where are you?
How do you know when you meet the one?
Suddenly people around me are getting married. It's like some kind of epidemic. Just sometime back we were all in school, no? No. That was a long time back.
Some are marrying/have married their childhood sweethearts, while a lot of others are going the arranged marriage way. I am neither for or against any set up. Each has its own pluses and minuses, and like everything else in life, you just get lucky at times.
I've not met any prospective 'groom' in an arranged marriage set up. Also, my parents are a bit clueless on how to go about finding someone who might be interested in getting married to me :P so that is totally an unknown path. But then, I've heard some stories about such setups. Not all are pleasant. "So what are your hobbies?" they ask. Jhakh maarna is my hobby, i'd answer. I mean, to these standard questions, I, on a personal level, have no standard answer. There are a few things I like to do, and some things which I would like to do, but they are so generic. Who doesn't like reading?
And then, 'can you cook?' thoughts, chemistry - all that is important, no? cooking is not something that cannot be learnt. Also, would the guy feel offended if i ask back, 'yes, i can, can you?' Not being a "feminist" here, but hey, i'm kind of romantic that way. I'd love it if the guy would cook a special meal for me sometime. So, yes, just the way, you could learn, so can i. Now, talking like this, if i were on a first matrimonial date, i would scare the guy off.
So respect to all those girls who've been through the grind.
On the same, yet different note, I think I have this awesome ability to make guys feel nervous. I sometimes freak them out. Of course, I tell them it's their loss and not mine, but then, it leaves me wondering, what the fuck did I do wrong? Oh, wait, I know, they were the wrong guys!
Ah, well. So the other day, there was a small discussion on the twitter timeline about how do you know when you meet the one. I said, you'd know. Now, that's a very vague answer to begin with. I've had the "I know he is the one" feeling sometimes, and was I wrong or what! And I know all about destiny and right time, right place thing. Just wish sometimes, when I am in that weak moment, that there was someone around, to tell me that things will be okay. That one hug while I just cling on to him and he holds me back. Yes.
So yes, I do feel lonely at times, and these days more so because well, my friends are all busy with their lives, either moving, getting married or having babies.
It's almost at that danger level where I'd cling on to anyone who'd be nice to me. of course, better sense prevails most of the times :-)
Anyway, whoever he is, in the words of Bridget Jones, I hope he is not "alcoholic, workaholic, commitment phobic, peeping tom, megalomaniac, emotional fuckwit or pervert."
Suddenly people around me are getting married. It's like some kind of epidemic. Just sometime back we were all in school, no? No. That was a long time back.
Some are marrying/have married their childhood sweethearts, while a lot of others are going the arranged marriage way. I am neither for or against any set up. Each has its own pluses and minuses, and like everything else in life, you just get lucky at times.
I've not met any prospective 'groom' in an arranged marriage set up. Also, my parents are a bit clueless on how to go about finding someone who might be interested in getting married to me :P so that is totally an unknown path. But then, I've heard some stories about such setups. Not all are pleasant. "So what are your hobbies?" they ask. Jhakh maarna is my hobby, i'd answer. I mean, to these standard questions, I, on a personal level, have no standard answer. There are a few things I like to do, and some things which I would like to do, but they are so generic. Who doesn't like reading?
And then, 'can you cook?' thoughts, chemistry - all that is important, no? cooking is not something that cannot be learnt. Also, would the guy feel offended if i ask back, 'yes, i can, can you?' Not being a "feminist" here, but hey, i'm kind of romantic that way. I'd love it if the guy would cook a special meal for me sometime. So, yes, just the way, you could learn, so can i. Now, talking like this, if i were on a first matrimonial date, i would scare the guy off.
So respect to all those girls who've been through the grind.
On the same, yet different note, I think I have this awesome ability to make guys feel nervous. I sometimes freak them out. Of course, I tell them it's their loss and not mine, but then, it leaves me wondering, what the fuck did I do wrong? Oh, wait, I know, they were the wrong guys!
Ah, well. So the other day, there was a small discussion on the twitter timeline about how do you know when you meet the one. I said, you'd know. Now, that's a very vague answer to begin with. I've had the "I know he is the one" feeling sometimes, and was I wrong or what! And I know all about destiny and right time, right place thing. Just wish sometimes, when I am in that weak moment, that there was someone around, to tell me that things will be okay. That one hug while I just cling on to him and he holds me back. Yes.
So yes, I do feel lonely at times, and these days more so because well, my friends are all busy with their lives, either moving, getting married or having babies.
It's almost at that danger level where I'd cling on to anyone who'd be nice to me. of course, better sense prevails most of the times :-)
Anyway, whoever he is, in the words of Bridget Jones, I hope he is not "alcoholic, workaholic, commitment phobic, peeping tom, megalomaniac, emotional fuckwit or pervert."
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
That time of the year again!
So with the Shraadh ending today, having remembered the dead ancestors, we now look forward to a month of festivals, and a new Vikram Samvat in 30 days' time. (btw, I love the name Vikram. sucha swoonworthy name it is!)
Anyhoo, so Navratri starts tomorrow. Since we Gujaratis have started taking over the world, navratri celebrations are marked with the 'Dandiya'. Now, every time someone mentions this, I fight an urge to correct them that 'dandiya' are the two sticks which are used as props, and the dance form is called "Raas" (as in Raas-Leela). Saying, "I love Dandiya" would be equivalent of saying, "I love eating chopsticks". And the dance form of clap-twist-jump-clap is called Garba. Even bad dancers like me know how to do it. The way everyone down south is born with Carnatic music, we in gujarat are born with preinstalled garba. You can never be a bad garba dancer. Unless you are my mother, who is a horrible dancer. She does garba steps like a 2 year old on crack. (which is a very disturbing analogy, kindly pardon)
So, though I can dance and all, I am not a huge fan of it. Couple of reasons, too much crowd, bad bollywood music, giant insects and most importantly, lack of friend circle. I've always had very few friends, and well, currently well, let me not talk about it, i get depressed. Also, never got hooked to it because when we were in schools, we would invariably have term exams in this period, and after school, institute of chartered accountants of india has ruined my life. So yea.
Of course, I do have some memories associated with this festival. And I love telling stories. So I'll ramble away a few incidents about the festival that well, everyone calls Dandiya. *cringe*
I was 7-8 year old, and our school had organised garba for children. (you see, navratri is the festival of 9 *nights* and back then, the garba would last all night long, literally. now you have a deadline of 1:30, but back then, it was less nuisance and the garba would actually start picking pace at around midnight) Since we were young, and we could not take part in midnight celebrations cos of school the next day, our school organised garba from 7 pm to 10 pm for us. I distinctly remember this one because well, my dad was supposed to pick me up from nani's place and drop me to school, by 6:30. He did not turn up till 8 pm. I was almost on the verge of crying. He probably thought that I was upset because I missed the 'fun' for an hour. I felt bad because *one* day I asked him to be on time, and he was not. He was never on time when we had to reach school on time for picnic. He still is never on time when I have a flight or train to catch and he is dropping me there. It's funny how certain things done unintentionally could leave such a deep mark in someone's mind. I hold no grudges obviously, cos maybe he was busy. But maybe, giving someone you love, one day of your life, would not be that bad an idea. You don't have to be there for her everyday, ask her how her day at school/college was. But if she's participating in her first moot court competition, which is also her first public speaking thing, just be supportive. I digress.
Other incident was I think in 6th or 7th standard. Either of these years when there was an 'adheek maas' which meant an extra month before the diwali. :p so exams and all over, diwali in november, school organised inter class garba competition. Very enthusiastically I participated. I was perhaps 3rd or 4th worst dancer in the troupe. So we were paired up, some 20 girls and 10 pairs. We practiced every day for an hour in the morning activity period, and all the happy hormones released made me all happy happy. But then, my dance partner fell ill. I was left without a dancing partner and well, I cannot dance without a partner on stage. I almost cried. The dance teacher, who knew us all since we were toddlers, saw me, felt pity, and convinced another girl to be my partner. She reluctantly agreed, because well, she was worse than me in dancing. I still remember how much I had enjoyed being on the stage. I still remember how incredibly thrilled I was when we exited after the performance. We won against our seniors that year. The garba we danced on was this one. (this is only the link to the song, and not the actual performance.)
And then one year, I went to CEPT. Centre for Environmental Planning and Technology. This was probably 5-6 years back. Everyone on the ground was doing only ONE step. no variations, no groups - everyone performing only one step, and on the beats of dhol. That was the best ever experience.
It is something like this
That was the last of navratri celebrations. This year, if nothing else, I do want to go out, have fun till wee hours of morning, tea at kitli, and some friends to laugh with.
Universe, are you listening?
Anyhoo, so Navratri starts tomorrow. Since we Gujaratis have started taking over the world, navratri celebrations are marked with the 'Dandiya'. Now, every time someone mentions this, I fight an urge to correct them that 'dandiya' are the two sticks which are used as props, and the dance form is called "Raas" (as in Raas-Leela). Saying, "I love Dandiya" would be equivalent of saying, "I love eating chopsticks". And the dance form of clap-twist-jump-clap is called Garba. Even bad dancers like me know how to do it. The way everyone down south is born with Carnatic music, we in gujarat are born with preinstalled garba. You can never be a bad garba dancer. Unless you are my mother, who is a horrible dancer. She does garba steps like a 2 year old on crack. (which is a very disturbing analogy, kindly pardon)
So, though I can dance and all, I am not a huge fan of it. Couple of reasons, too much crowd, bad bollywood music, giant insects and most importantly, lack of friend circle. I've always had very few friends, and well, currently well, let me not talk about it, i get depressed. Also, never got hooked to it because when we were in schools, we would invariably have term exams in this period, and after school, institute of chartered accountants of india has ruined my life. So yea.
Of course, I do have some memories associated with this festival. And I love telling stories. So I'll ramble away a few incidents about the festival that well, everyone calls Dandiya. *cringe*
I was 7-8 year old, and our school had organised garba for children. (you see, navratri is the festival of 9 *nights* and back then, the garba would last all night long, literally. now you have a deadline of 1:30, but back then, it was less nuisance and the garba would actually start picking pace at around midnight) Since we were young, and we could not take part in midnight celebrations cos of school the next day, our school organised garba from 7 pm to 10 pm for us. I distinctly remember this one because well, my dad was supposed to pick me up from nani's place and drop me to school, by 6:30. He did not turn up till 8 pm. I was almost on the verge of crying. He probably thought that I was upset because I missed the 'fun' for an hour. I felt bad because *one* day I asked him to be on time, and he was not. He was never on time when we had to reach school on time for picnic. He still is never on time when I have a flight or train to catch and he is dropping me there. It's funny how certain things done unintentionally could leave such a deep mark in someone's mind. I hold no grudges obviously, cos maybe he was busy. But maybe, giving someone you love, one day of your life, would not be that bad an idea. You don't have to be there for her everyday, ask her how her day at school/college was. But if she's participating in her first moot court competition, which is also her first public speaking thing, just be supportive. I digress.
Other incident was I think in 6th or 7th standard. Either of these years when there was an 'adheek maas' which meant an extra month before the diwali. :p so exams and all over, diwali in november, school organised inter class garba competition. Very enthusiastically I participated. I was perhaps 3rd or 4th worst dancer in the troupe. So we were paired up, some 20 girls and 10 pairs. We practiced every day for an hour in the morning activity period, and all the happy hormones released made me all happy happy. But then, my dance partner fell ill. I was left without a dancing partner and well, I cannot dance without a partner on stage. I almost cried. The dance teacher, who knew us all since we were toddlers, saw me, felt pity, and convinced another girl to be my partner. She reluctantly agreed, because well, she was worse than me in dancing. I still remember how much I had enjoyed being on the stage. I still remember how incredibly thrilled I was when we exited after the performance. We won against our seniors that year. The garba we danced on was this one. (this is only the link to the song, and not the actual performance.)
And then one year, I went to CEPT. Centre for Environmental Planning and Technology. This was probably 5-6 years back. Everyone on the ground was doing only ONE step. no variations, no groups - everyone performing only one step, and on the beats of dhol. That was the best ever experience.
It is something like this
That was the last of navratri celebrations. This year, if nothing else, I do want to go out, have fun till wee hours of morning, tea at kitli, and some friends to laugh with.
Universe, are you listening?
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